


Burn

by Wearingdeantoprom



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Battle of the Bulge, Bottom Cas, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Nurse Sam, Nurse!Sam, Paratroopers, Plans of suicide, Power Imbalance, Sastiel - Freeform, Soldiers, Suicidal Thoughts, Top Sam, WW2, hurt!castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-24
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-02-22 09:21:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 23,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2502680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wearingdeantoprom/pseuds/Wearingdeantoprom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is a WW2 Paratrooper from the 1st Canadian Parachute Battalion. His mission is to drop in to help the Allied forces re-gain the Ardennes. When He and Dean are ordered to assist a sniper take a strategic position, Tragedy strikes. When Cas wakes up in a hospital in Britain, He is in pain and has no idea what happened to his friend Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This took a LOT of research guys. I really wanted it to portray some historical accuracy. I really hope I do this justice. I feel so strongly about this piece.

The first thing that Castiel knew upon regaining consciousness was pain. It started in the fingertips of his left arm then ran up and across his back. It was so sharp and intense that it made his stomach roll. He would have screamed, but when he opened his mouth nothing but a whisper left his throat. It made his throat hurt. Not a sharp pain but more of a throbbing ache. It felt like he had been screaming for hours.

He opened his eyes to look around but his face was pressed against a pillow. From the position he was in, he could see a white curtain, a bedside table with some daisies on it and various pieces of stainless steel medical equipment. Panic spread through him. Where was he? Was he a prisoner of war? Was he being held captive?

Dean.

He remembered then. Dean. Where was he? Was he alright? Did he get out okay? Cas moved, tried to get up but the skin on his back rippled and he slumped forward back onto his chest. The pain was too great. Tears welled up in his eyes at how much it hurt and he tried again to move. Slower this time.

“Corporal Novak!!” a female voice sounded and cool hands touched his right shoulder. “You mustn’t move,”  those cool fingers soothed over his brow, pushing hair from his eyes. They were Heaven. “Let me get the Doctor and he will explain what’s happening. Don’t worry, angel, you are safe.”

“Dean-” Cas tried to ask, his voice coming out as nothing more than a rasp. 

The woman must not have heard him because she disappeared.

Safe… That meant that he was in a hospital. Probably behind allied lines. Where were the rest of his unit? Did they make it out okay? Were they with Dean? Was the mission successful? Were they safe too? The questions didn't have to wait for too long. The doctor arrived shortly. He reached out to feel Cas’ forehead.

“Hey, Corporal. I’m Dr. Shirley. You can call me Chuck.” He was glad that the fever Cas had been sporting seemed to have dissipated, “I’m going to help you sit up so you can have some water. But first, some pain killers.”

Cas wanted to speak. He opened his mouth but thought better of it. The last time it had not worked and just made his throat hurt more.

“Don’t worry about talking just now,” Chuck said, “I will explain in a moment.”

He did as promised and administered some morphine before he helped Cas onto his right side first and then up into a seated position. The whole thing was agony. His skin pulled in ways he had never felt before. He was not proud of any whimpers that may have escaped his sore throat.

Once he was sitting, Chuck brought a glass of cool water to Cas’ lips. Ooh… oh yes, this is heaven. He drank greedily. The cool liquid felt so soothing on his throat. When the water was gone, Cas licked his lips, chasing any residual drops.

“Thank you,” he rasped.

“No problem.”

“Where am I?”

“London,” Chuck replied, “In a hospital.” He knew that Cas had been in and out of it for a while and so he would be patient with any questions.

“What happened?”

“What do you remember?” Chuck asked.

“Bande… I remember Bande. We were to secure the town. We parachuted in for the Ardennes Counteroffensive…”

“The Battle of the Bulge, Yes.” Chuck told him gently. 

Chuck had read reports of the battle in the papers. It had been a terrible battle. Many allied lives had been lost. However, it had been a victory.

“There was fire and- Dean!!” 

He coughed, throat sore from misuse, “Dean, I mean, Private Winchester. Is Private Winchester alright?”

“Yeah, he is fine,” Chuck smiled, “He was treated for his injuries and sent home.”

Cas’ shoulders slumped with relief, It was only then that he realized his head was spinning. “Home, like-”

“Back to the United States. Not much that he can do here with a busted up leg.”

“What happened to me?”

The friendly smile Chuck had been wearing fell. 

“You were victim to second and third degree burns. Second degree burns on your back, arm and neck and third on your shoulder and arm. We… We had to amputate-”

Amputate…

That meant- Cas tried to wriggle the fingers on his left arm but felt nothing. He looked down to his arm and pulled back the quilt still covering it. His hand was completely gone. His arm had been cut off about half way down his forearm . Seeing it brought on a wave of dizziness and he had to close his eyes to steady himself.

“Corporal, are you alright?”

“Yes,” Cas rasped. _No- No, I'm not alright..._ “Continue.”

“Your hand had become gangrenous before you were able to be relocated to a hospital. We had to amputate before the infection spread. Even so, with the damage to your hand by the fire, it was unlikely that your hand would have been saved.”

“O-ooh.”

“Don’t worry,” Chuck said with a warm smile, “We will take good care of you. I have to finish my rounds but a nurse will be by soon to see to your dressings and prepare you for a saline bath. Blow this whistle if you need anything.” 

He placed a whistle into Cas’ remaining hand and was off.

After the doctor left, Cas stopped to grasp at what had happened. The events leading up to his injuries began to form in his mind. Bits and pieces molding into place like a horrific puzzle until he could almost remember the whole story.

 __The sound of explosions and gun fire shook the earth under their feet. Cas, Dean and another_ _ __named_ _ __Benny were in charge of escorting a sniper to a building_ _ __that had_ _ __a_ _ __strategically necessary_ _ __tower. It was terrifying but they knew that once they got into the building they still couldn’t relax. Who knew how many enemies were in the house._ _

__They managed to get across the rubble strewn street with no issues. Despite the ominous pat pat pat of rifles and the ricochet of bullets. Terror gripped Cas so tight that he thought his heart may stop beating from the constriction. It took forever to get across the street. They were at the door in a blink of an eye. Time was being distorted. Sped up and slowed down at whim._ _

_They made their way into the house quickly._ _Benny_ _leading the small squad in. Dean their sniper after him,_ _Dean_ _in the middle and_ _Cas_ _at the back. He was only a corporal but he had the highest rank there. For the moment these were HIS men and that was something he did not take lightly._

_Benny was faster and more accurate with his rifle. Cas wanted him at the front to kill anyone jumping out at them. He took up the rear to take care of stragglers. He wanted the sniper in his sites at all times._

_The stairs to get up were at the back of the house._ _Benny_ _led them down a door way, lights flickering ominously._ _Benny_ _checked each room as they went, making sure_ _they_ _would stay safe. Still, s_ _omeone jumped out of a room at Dean with a knife in their hand._

 __Cas didn’t blink. He tore the_ _ __man_ _ __down with rapid gun fire. Dean looked at Cas and nodded his thanks,_ _ __green_ _ __eyes wide with fear._ _ __He looked so young and so old then. The wide eyes made him look seventeen . But the horror of war was weighing on him. His eyes were haunted and that made him look eighty. It was amazing how much detail you could remember when adrenaline was_ _ __p_ _ __umping through your skin._ _

__Cas couldn't remember how old Dean actually was_ _

__The stairs squealed under their boots._ _ __It made everyone pause in fear._ _ __Cas couldn’t remember another set of stairs being so loud. He winced with every step. At the top of the stairs there was a man waiting_ _ __for them after hearing the gunfire downstairs._ _ __He_ _ __shot Benny down_ _ __when he turned the corner. Dean_ _ __waited, back against the wall before popping his head and gun around the corner to hill him. He_ _ __ended him with a short burst from his gun._ _

__Cas could tell that Dean wanted to mourn Benny. He knew that they had been fighting together for a long time. But they couldn’t stop. Dean leaned down to close Benny’s eyes and take his dog tags before_ _ _moving on._

 _They encountered one more enemy that Cas and Dean were able to take out easily. The sniper_ _took up his spot quickly and efficiently._ _Dean and Cas_ _lingered long enough to ensure that he was all set be fore leaving_ _to re-join the troupes._ _They were almost to the stairs_ _when the bomb hit. The blast sent Cas crashing through a wall._

_It was a few moments before Cas could even move. His body was in shock from the blast and his back seared with pain._

_“_ _Dean!_ ” _he called._

 _Cas_ _pulled himself up and staggered_ _to his feet and called the name of his friend again._ _His heart was_ __thumping wildly. Dean was his best friend and greatest comfort in this God-forsaken war and he couldn't bear if he died on his watch._ _

“ _Cas?” Ooh God, thank you..._

“ _Dean!”_ _Cas moved then, into the next room, towards Dean’s voice._

 _There were flames everywhere._ _Smoke billowing, Fire licking at the walls_ _and the celing._ _For a moment Cas was too petrified to move._ _He felt like he had just stepped into Hell._ _But he forced himself to go, crouching low to avoid the smoke._ _Dean needed him. He would not fail him like he had failed Benny._

 __He picked his way around, calling for Dean until he_ _ __found him._ _ __Or at least part of him. Part of the ceiling had caved in from the blast and had landed on Dean's leg._ _

“ _I’m stuck,_ _ _” Dean told him, “__ _Get outa here. This place is going down._ _ _”__

“ _Don’t be daft, I’m not leaving you in here.”_

“ _I hate to tell you this Cas but I’m pretty sure my leg is busted.”_

“ _I don’t care.”_

__He needed to get some of the debris off of Dean before he could pull him out. He started to dig..._ _

__That was when his memories got foggy. There was nothing after that he could remember_ _

“Corporal Novak?”

Cas blinked a moment, coming back from his memories and turned to the person who was talking to him. The man was tall and… beautiful. Cas couldn’t think of any better adjective for him. He had longer hair for a man, especially for one wearing fatigues. There was no way that hair was regulation. But he had kind eyes. Hazel and beautiful. Thin lips that pulled into an easy smile. It looked like he smiled often. Cas liked that.

“I’m Sam. I’m going to be your nurse now that you have woken up.”

Cas frowned, “Woken up? How long have I been out?”

Sam reached for a clipboard at the end of Cas’ cot and frowned at it, “You have been in and out of consciousness for six weeks, Corporal.”

“Six weeks!” Cas asked, panic squeezing his chest. “The battle, what happened?”

Sam frowned, “Which one?”

“The Ardennes Counteroffensive.”

“Ooh,” Sam grinned, “The allies won.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

The relief that flooded into Cas almost made him dizzy. He laid back against the bed a moment to re-gain his composure. They won. His mission had been successful. They had Lost Benny but Dean was safe in the US and they had won. He was glad that he had lost his arm for something so important. It made the pain he was in somehow worth it.

Sam was still smiling, despite the fact that his grin had dropped. “Is it okay that I start your treatment now?” Cas looked beyond him to a trolley that held a bowl and several towels.

“What is my treatment?”

“You need a saline bath. A nice good soak. Luckily your grafts were done while you were out. They adhered well because you weren't moving much. Now we are just making sure they stay healthy and free of infection.”

Cas couldn't help but stare at Sam's lips as he spoke. He had never been attracted to a man before but he supposed that there was a first for everything.

“So what we are going to do is have a saline rinse. Then I'm going to bandage you up in a Vaseline wrap. It will come off in your bath. When that’s through, you will get some antibiotic cream.”

Cas had little idea as to what Sam was talking about, but he nodded regardless. “Okay.”

Sam moved then, pulling the trolley closer. “I need you to sit up Corporal.”

“Its Castiel.” Cas said as he pulled himself up. It made his skin pull painfully. He hissed a little. It hurt enough to bring tears to his eyes. He could only guess that before it was adrenaline that kept him from hurting so much.

“shh I got you.” Sam said softly. It was strangely soothing. Sam's gloved hands fell on his back and chest. They felt cool and smooth. Cas grit his teeth and looked up, trying to be brave for this beautiful man.

Sam turned to the cart to pick up a towel. He pressed it down around Cas' waist to keep the bed from getting wet. “This should make you feel better Castiel.”

Sam then started to peel the dressings off. The nurse that had treated Cas before Sam had dressed Cas up with penicillin ointments. Over the layers of that, he had been bandaged. This could be tricky, especially on Cas' back. If he pulled on the bandages to hard and fast, he could rip off the skin grafts. That would only make matters worse.

The nurse held his breath as he started. The first few strips came off easy. The rest decided to make things difficult. The first moment that Cas flinched he stopped. “Shh shh Its okay. I know it hurts. I have something to help.”

Tears prickled behind Cas' squeezed shut eyes. It hurt so much. He had no words. Sharp hot burning pain. But it wasn't just that. It was the sweet soothing way that Sam spoke to him. He had little memory of the care he received prior to this. Most of he could remember was adrenaline and bullets flying. Fire and Dean calling for help. Jumping from a plane into enemy territory.

And here was this man. This sweet beautiful man who was being so sweet to him. So kind and gentle. The transition was so sharp and startling. He almost couldn't comprehend it. He was in pain. Searing pain that burned down to his bones, but it was okay. It was all okay because this angel was here and taking care of him.

Cas was shivering now. Sam chewed his lip as he picked up a small ladle so he could start pouring saline onto Cas' wound. It would dampen the bandages and keep them from tearing. He heard the dark haired man sniffle and didn't comment. He didn't blame him at all. The poor man had been through a lot and was in pain that was unimaginable to Sam.

Cas let a moan the moment the saline hit his back. It wasn't a sexual sound, Sam knew that, but he couldn't deny how sweet it sounded. He pulled one of his gloves off with his teeth and ran his fingers over Cas' forehead. “There you go Castiel. Does that feel better.”

“Mmhmm.” Cas couldn't find words. Even through that mumble, his voice was wavering. He was embarrassed. Another ladle of saline down his chest this time. Saline for his skin and salt water from his eyes.

The bandages came away easier now that the saline had dampened them. Sam put them into the garbage under the cart. He took a cloth then and started to very gently rub it over Cas' skin. This part was tricky. The saline would comfort Cas but the cloth would be rasping. Still, Sam knew he had to make sure that all of the old ointments were gone before putting another Vaseline wrap onto the wounds.

“Cas.” Cas rasped.

“Hmm?” Sam's brows were furrowed. His patient was shivering harder now.

“You can call me Cas... my friends call me that.”

Sam's warm smile could be heard in his voice. It made Cas smile too. “I would like that Cas.”

When the Vaseline was gone, Sam poured a little more saline over Cas' chest arm and back then reached onto the cart for more Vaseline. “This should feel good.”

Cas sniffled and wiped his face with his hand. “Okay... Why are you nursing here instead of working as a medic?”

Sam chuckled. He got a generous dollop of Vaseline on his fingers and started spreading it along Cas' skin. The action got him another delicious moan. “I _was_ a medic.” He replied. “I broke my leg in the field. They sent me here and when I was healed enough to walk i started working here instead of going home.”

“Don't take this the wrong way Sam... but I am immensely happy that you broke your leg.”

Sam barked a laugh. It made his eyes light up. Seeing him laugh like that made Cas warm up from the inside out. Even though the person next to him was yelling at Sam to shut up. He looked  down into Cas' eyes. “So am I.”

When Cas was all patched up again, Sam helped Cas to the Saline bath. “When you are finished here, I will come back to get you wrapped up again for dinner.”

“Thanks Sam.” Cas felt shy, taking off his hospital gown and stepping into the tub nude in front of Sam. He shouldn't. They were both men. But something in Sam had sparked something in him and he couldn't help but blush a little as he stepped naked into the tub. He hissed as his burns made contact with the fluid. It was cool and soothing and good and it made his pain lessen so much that he felt like he could breathe again. 

Sam's warm fingers brushed along his temple a moment before he left. It made Cas wish  Sam could stay and keep touching him. 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Cas felt like he was floating

When Sam left he closed his eyes and let the cool slide over him. Cool and delicious and soothing. It still hurt. It ran deep like he had been seared to the bone. But the sting had subsided. He could think again. He let his mind wander.

He remembered meeting Dean. How his green eyes lit up when he said hello. He was so friendly. So open. It was like the war hadn't touched him yet. It was a breath of fresh air. Later that day though, He saw a dark shadow slip over his face. This boy had seen the same horrible things that Cas had. He was just good at making the best of small moments.

They worked well together over the next few days and they became fast friends. It was days of battle but it felt good to have some one watching his back. It brought a sort of calm and comfort. When the time came to be given the mission to escort Benny to his sniping location, Cas wasn't surprised when they were partnered.

He wondered what Dean was doing now. He hoped that he was home. Comfortable and healing well. He wondered what that would look like. Was he going home to his mother? Brothers? Or a wife. Cas just knew that whatever it was, he was glad that he was safe.

His thoughts drifted to his own predicament. What was he going to do? He was an amputee. What kind of work could he find with only one arm. He didn't have anyone to go home to. Who would love a man with one arm? With burns as severe as his were. They covered half his chest and back and his left arm. He hadn't seen them but they sure _felt_ bad.

He was likely disfigured. He sank lower in the tub. He needed to think of something less depressing. He had to remain positive.

He frowned and tried to re-reroute his thoughts.

The next thing that entered his mind were hazel eyes and a gentle touch. Soothing words in a voice that was both deep and soft. His pulse jumped. How cliche was this? Wounded soldier getting feelings for his nurse. He didn't even know what those feelings were. He just knew that he was desperate to be touched again.

He wasn't sure what it was. The battle. The adrenaline. Or was it listening to the boys around him talking about the sweet girl they had at home . Cas wasn't virgin He had almost proposed to a girl before she called it off. All he knew was that he was touch starved. He was touch starved and the only person he had really seen was Sam.

Handsome sweet gentle Sam

He was so fubared.

He had lost track of time when he heard a voice. It was muddy as it reverberated through the saline he was in. He moved so his ears came above the fluid.

“Cas, Its time to get out and back to bed.”

Speak of the devil.

“Hmm you are shivering.” Warm hands on his shoulders pulled him into a sitting position. “Do you think you can stand?” Cas didn't want to open his eyes yet. Opening his eyes would bring him to the reality of his life now.

The warm hands moved to his face. “Come on Cas. Open your eyes. You alright?”

Cas opened his eyes to see Sam's concerned face looking back at him.  He was shivering. He could feel it now that Sam's big hands were grounding him. “There you go.” Sam smiled and Cas swore it was sunshine.

“Can you stand?” Sam asked again.

“Yes.” Cas croaked. He moved, getting his feet under himself so he could get up. He leaned heavily on Sam as he got out of the tub. His legs wobbled pathetically.

“Its okay. I got you.” Sam helped Cas into a fresh gown.

The bed was too comfortable when Cas sank onto it. He was cold and hot and so tired. “Thank you Sam.”

“Hey no problem. Just hang in there okay. I need to get this penicillin on you before you sleep.” Cas nodded and kept himself upright. “you are shivering. I'll get you an extra blanket before you sleep.” Sam pulled on his gloves and dipped his fingers into the jar of penicillin cream.

Cas sighed, his eyes fluttering shut when Sam spread the cream onto his wound. It felt cool and good against his burnt skin. “I bet that feels good huh?” Cas could hear the smile in Sam's voice and could picture said smile. It warmed him a little.

He was wishing that Sam didn't have to wear the gloves to put the cream on him. He wanted to desperately to feel his warm fingertips on him. He so wanted to be _touched._ He wouldn't blame Sam though if he never wanted to touch the damaged skin. He had seen burn victims and knew that it left ugly scars.

“Dinner is in an hour or so. I heard its a good one. Mashed potatoes and sausage” Sam told him conversationally.

Cas just nodded. He was too tired to care about his rumbling stomach. He just wanted to focus on Sam's voice. His voice and his soothing touch. “Of course the locals call it Bangers and Mash.” Sam chuckled.

He was done with the cream and moved onto the bandages. He wrapped Cas up neatly then gently pushed the man back into the bed. “ There you go Cas.” Sam took his gloves off and pulled the blankets up Cas' chest. “I will be back with supper for you alright.”

Cas nodded sleepily. He wasn't sure if it was because he was tired and dreamt it or it was real but before Sam left, he pushed his fingers through Cas' hair.


	4. Chapter 4

The roar of the plane was almost soothing. Had the circumstances been different, Cas might have been lulled to sleep. Instead, Cas was practically vibrating. Never before had he been so afraid of a jump. But then never before had he been jumping behind enemy lines. This would be his first real taste of the war and he was petrified. So many things could go wrong. There were so many ways he could die. As it was, the plane was shaking even before they reached the drop zone.

But the allied forces needed them. They were going to be completely open on the beaches of Normandy and they needed them to come in the back and help them secure the beach. He knew what was expected of him. He had seen the models. Tables of sand that represented a topographical map of the area. He knew where he was to go, what he was to do. They had been briefed for two weeks but none of that knowledge soothed his nerves.

It was so dark outside the plane. The only light was light from the ground reflected off the clouds below them. There was nothing but the din of the plane and the dark. That is until they started getting closer. 

It was like thunder

But Cas knew better. Thunder was more welcoming. Thunder spoke of a coming storm and cleansing rain. This was not thunder. This was the sound of bombs going off. The sound of anti-aircraft artillery shooting into the sky. The lightning that flashed was no miracle of science. They were missiles. 

“Gentlemen in the drop zone you can anticipate chaos and confusion.” Their Commander yelled “You know what to do. This is what you trained long and hard for. I know you boys can make us proud. We are going to drop you in tight so you can find each other in the field.”

He prayed. Prayed for his brothers in arms. That they would land safely. He prayed that they would be successful in their mission. Prayed that there would not be too many casualties. He prayed that he would not die. That they would obtain their objective and the threat would be eliminated. He prayed for the pilots and that they would make it out alive too. He prayed harder than he had ever prayed before

He was terrified. It was only when the plane dipped beneath the clouds and he could see the warfare below that he understood just how unprepared he was. Blasts went off all around them. They shook the plane harder than any turbulence would. They were thrown around inside the plane like buoys on waves with every evasive maneuver the pilots had to make to keep them on course.

"We are flying way to low!" One of the men yelled over the cacophony.

They were. It also seemed they were going way too fast.

Another bomb rocked them. Cas held on for dear life and looked out the jump door. One of the planes near by was getting shot at. The engine caught fire and the blaze engulfed them. He couldn't tell if he could actually hear their screams or if it was imagined. That was it. Those boys were gone before their feet had even touched enemy soil.

Bullets sprayed along the wing of their plane. They cut through the metal siding like a hot knife through butter. A man that was just across from Cas was hit and he died instantly. Just like that, he was gone. The plane shuddered and the red light went on. Their commander stood up and yelled, trying to make his voice carry over the engines. 

"Get Ready - Stand up - Hook up" Cas put his carabiner on the drop rope. The carabiner was attached to his chute. the drop rope would pull it to release his chute. "Equipment Check!" From the back of the plane they counted down until they reached Cas.

"Three Okay!" He yelled. then two, then their commander, One.

When his feet left the relative safety of the plane, Cas experienced a wave of vertigo. It was so black. The sky was so dark that for a moment he couldn't remember which was was up. There was a moment of sheer panic before his chute popped. It opened safely and he was immediately oriented. 

Looking out over the sky was surreal. The clouds lighting up could almost be beautiful if it wasn't being caused by something so horrifying. All around him bullets and missiles flew. Anti-aircraft rounds split open the sky. One bullet grazed his cheek, paralyzing him for a moment. He couldn't move until his feet hit solid ground."

What? How was there water here? No matter. He needed to find the troops and start in on their mission. He waded through the water until he found a road. He had absolutely no idea where he was. Cas dropped down into the bushes on the side of the road there and looked over head. Silhouetted against the sky he could see allied planes overhead all coming from the same direction. That was the direction of the coast. That was where he needed to be.

Looking up, He could only see chaos. Planes were on fire and falling from the sky. The men drifting down in their chutes. Some of the men's chutes caught fire and they fell to their deaths. Other men looked slack as if they had been shot. Cas was sure that some of them had. He thanked God that he had made it to the ground safely. 

Cas cut his chute lines and started to walk. He was on high alert. Any moment a German solider could attack him. Any man he came across could either be an ally or the enemy. His breath came from his mouth in sharp poofs as his blood sang with adrenaline. Every step was terrifying but he had to move on. He couldn't let his people down.

The closer Cas got to his objective, the more shells were dropping. Any one of them could hit him and he would be dead before he could fire his weapon. Despite the noise, Cas managed to hear a motorized vehicle coming on the road. He dropped down to the ground, hugging his rifle up out of the mud. It had to stay clean and dry no matter what. His hands shook on the barrel as he heard the vehicle slow down. Gunshots rang out and he could hear the rounds whizz overhead. 

They were looking for him. Cas shimmied in a low crawl closer to the base of the bushes he was under. Roses. His nose was filled with the sent of them. He paused as his hands fell on something that didn't feel like ground and he had to press his hand to his mouth to keep from screaming. It was one of his Battalion. A man by the name of Cole. His eyes were cold and dead. Cas was frozen to the spot, staring as the people in the vehicle argued.

A week prior he and Cole had shared beers after training. Now he was gone. Tears pricked at the back of his eyes and he blinked them away. He had no time for that. Instead, he wiped his muddied hands on his jacket and slowly closed his comrade's eyes. He waited until the Germans had moved on before he started to move forward again. He hoped not to find any more of his men dead.

~

Cas sat stark upright with a gasp. His head was pounding and his face was wet. The dream had been so real. So so real. If he closed his eyes he could almost reach out and touch his friend. But he was gone. Like Benny and so many countless others. Gone

He raised both hands to his face, wincing as his stump brushed his stubble. He can't remember having a chance to mourn. It had just been action action action occasionally peppered with moments of being strong for the others around him.

Fuck being strong. He allowed himself to feel this and a sob rose out of his chest. It was muffled by his hand covering his mouth. Still, his whole body shook as he let it out. He knew he was being noisy but he didn't care. Neither did his neighbor apparently because for once he didn't complain about the noise. 

“Hey Cas I brought your- Ooh. Hey are you okay?”

Cas just shook his head as the sobs kept coming. Sam sat on the side of Cas' bed and oh so gingerly wrapped an arm around Cas' shoulders. “Hey its okay...” he said softly. “You are safe here.”

“But t-they aren't” Cas sobbed

“Who?”

“Benny and Cole and... so many others. You didn't see it Sam. The bodies... so many bodies. I don't even know who survived. I don't know... I don't.”

Cas didn't even realize that they were rocking. Sam was moving him gently trying to soothe him as best as he could. “You did everything you could to protect them.”

“How do you know? You don't know what kind of soldier I am. You don't know how well i fought.”

“You are right. I don't. But I do know that this is real.” Sam pressed his hand to Cas' chest. “What you are feeling is real and its real remorse. You cared for them and they will be remembered and it takes a strong man to do so. That tells me you fought hard and did what you could.”

Cas just nodded numbly and laid his head on Sam's shoulder. He allowed the nurse to soothe him. He still felt horrible for surviving. Cole and Benny had family. Cas had no one. Why did he deserve to live when they didn't? It didn't seem right.

Sam held him until he stopped crying and for a little while even after that. It felt like forever before Sam shifted and Cas didn't want him to let go. Sam reached to the bedside table to offer the now cold dinner. 

“Its cold now but still good. Do you think you can eat for me? I need you to keep your strength up.”

Cas nodded and accepted the tray. 

“Hmm... Look at you.” He let his fingers stroke Cas' cheek. “ You could use a shave. Would you like me to help you after dinner?”

“Okay.” Cas rasped. 

“Great.” Sam offered a warm smile. I need to go get something to eat myself but when I am done. I'll be back.

Cas nodded again and took a bite. “ Is there anything else you need?”

“Something for my headache please, Sam.”

“You betcha.” Sam's eyes sparkled as he smiled.

Later, Sam came by with his trolley. He carefully pulled off Cas' bandages and gave Cas a saline bath. Next was another smear of antibiotic cream. Cas was quiet while Sam worked. Sam though was humming a little tuneless hum as he took care of him.

“Okay Cas I need you to lift your left arm for me. I need to change those bandages for you.” Sam's voice was soft. Softer than normal and Cas knew that this would hurt

He lifted his arm as asked and set his shoulders in preparation for the pain. Sam carefully unwrapped the wound as Cas watched. He let a choked breath at the sight. It was a stump. Still purple and bruised looking. There was no blood but it was sore to the touch of Sam's gentle fingers. 

“Its looking good Cas.” Sam sounded a little brighter. The bandages were yellowish on the inside but the wound had scabbed up. It looked like the beef jerky rations that they carried with them into the field. Sam rubbed some penicillin cream into the wound and wrapped it again. “There we go. You will be good as new in no time."

Cas felt numb. Seeing the wound. Seeing the place where his arm used to be some how made it more real. More real than the pain and more real than seeing the bandage. “Sam?”

“Yeah?” 

“Would you... Would you ever be able to love some one who only had one arm.” Cas paused awkwardly. “I mean if a woman... If women were allowed to fight. Would you ever be able to love her if she were missing part of her arm?”

Sam was silent as he secured the bandages. He looked up at Cas then turned to get the shaving tools he brought. He spread the cream onto Cas' cheeks with a big brush and then started to shave him gently. It was oddly intimate and Cas hoped that Sam wouldn't see his increase of pulse.

“I could love anyone who had lost a limb. Especially if they had lost it in battle defending what they believed to be right.” He replied finally.

Cas didn't say anything. He just let Sam shave him as he mulled the answer over in his mind.

'I could love anyone.'


	5. Chapter 5

With a gasp, Cas woke up, stark awake. He looked around what he could see of the room. It was still dark. He everything was shrouded in a moonless night. Rain thrummed against the window beside him. He was so grateful to have gotten a spot near the window but tonight it made him feel uneasy some how. 

Cas wondered what had woken him up. He usually slept the night with the pills that Sam gave him to help him sleep. With a sigh, he laid back down. The bandages itched and his skin seared in pain. Even his stub felt sore. Maybe it was the damn rain.

There was a flash of light outside followed by a deafening crash. Cas bolted upright again. Holy shit! They were under attack! 

Sam-

With his heart in his throat, Cas made it to his feet. He wobbled a bit then started out beyond his curtained off area. There was more people here than he realized. Men with a variety of injuries. He felt for them, he did but... But he needed to find Sam. If he had time once Sam was safe, He could come back for them.

He trembled as he hurried then, ignoring the pain. As he went, he looked for a weapon. There was a nurses station at the other end of the room that he and the men were in. The light was on and a cigarette sitting in the ash tray. It looked like the nurse had gotten up for coffee... or to seek shelter. He hoped it was the later as another wall shaking boom sounded.

Cas reached out to pick up the cigarette and took a deep drag. God yes... The nicotine calmed his trembling a little. He exhaled through his nose and set the cigarette back down on the ash tray. When he did, he noticed a rifle in the corner of the room. Cas took it up and left the room.

Using the gun to lead himself, Cas walked past an operating room and several other rooms until he found a sign that said Nurses quarters. Peaking in, He found only women. Cas frowned and kept going in his search. Soon he came across another room that read 'Male Staff'

Makes sense.

Cas poked his gun into the room as another Boom shook the walls. Cas looked around. There were two other men in the room on one side of the room. And there was Sam. Cas knelt by Sam's bed on shaking legs and shook Sam's shoulder. “Sam.” He said in a harsh whisper

“What?”Sam asked in a sleepy tone.

“Sam we are under attack. We have to move!”

Sam's eyes popped open and he sat up. As if on cue, another loud boom went off. Cas' fingers tightened on the rifle in his hands. Sam ran shaking fingers through his hair and looked at Cas.

“Cas... Its okay. Its just a thunder storm.”

“No, Sam we have to take cover.”

Sam shook his head and got out of bed. “You shouldn't be up.”

“Goddamn it Sam we have to go, NOW!” Cas whispered harshly

“Yeah... Okay.” Sam stood, straightening his night clothes and followed Cas from the room. He let Cas lead him past the other rooms to the Nursing Station. The woman on duty still wasn't back. Cas pulled Sam in there and started to look for a good place for them to hide under.

“Cas look outside...” Sam said softly

“I did. I saw the flash. Heard the... Heard the explosion. We need cover, we need-”

Sam had put his hands on Cas' good shoulder and Cas was suddenly aware of just how much taller his care giver was. The hand squeezed gently. 

“Castiel.” Sam said gently. “Its just a thunderstorm. Look out that window. You can see the lighting.”

Cas paused, still trembling and looked out the window. There was a flash of fork lightning and then another boom of thunder.

“I thought...”

Sam took the rifle from Cas' hands and set it back in its corner. Cas took a step towards it but his knees suddenly felt too weak and he fell to the floor. Sam was there to catch him and he lowered them down to sit. The nurse came back. Cas barely registered her as Sam waved her away.

“I thought we were under attack.” Cas said

“Its okay.” Sam said softly and ran his fingers through Cas' hair. His fingers were long and cool. It took every ounce of Cas' will power not to press his face into the palm of Sam's hand. Why was it that Sam's cool hands were always there when Cas was burning up?

“Thunder sounds a lot like explosions. Its not a surprise that you would think we were unsafe.”

“Hnnn.” Cas was still having a hard time wrapping his mind around it. “you were in danger.”

“I am perfectly safe. So are you Cas.” Sam was on the floor beside Cas and he wrapped his strong arms around the man he had been tending too. “You are safe.”

Tears pricked at Cas' eyes and he melted into Sam's chest. “I thought...”

“Shhh. Its okay Cas. I got you. I'm a solider too remember. Even if we were under attack, I'd be just fine.”

“Y-yeah... I'd find you and you would be okay.”

They were quiet like that for a while, with Cas bundled up against Sam's chest. The storm faded. The thunder had rolled out far enough that Cas didn't flinch every time thunder broke. Sam just rocked them gently. Cas was lulled by the movement. The sound of Sam breathing. His heart thumping in his chest.

Sam was okay. He was safe. They were safe...

“Why did you come for me Cas?” Sam's voice was soft. Just above a whisper but in the quiet of the room, It was loud and filled Cas' bones.

Cas pulled back and looked up at Sam. “You are good, Sam... And I-” and I what? Cas had no idea what he was feeling. He just knew when he woke up that Sam was in danger and Cas would have put a bullet in anyone between him and Sam. He wouldn't have stopped until Sam was Safe. The idea settled heavy in Cas' chest. 

The only other person he had been so ready and willing to head into battle for had been Dean.

But what he was feeling here for Sam was different.

“You are a good man Sam. I care about you.”

Sam gave Cas a tired smile and nodded. “ Thank you. I care for you too.”

By the time that they got up, Cas' legs were cramped. Sam helped him to his bed and checked over his bandages. Once he was sure they were in place he tucked Cas back into bed and pressed the hair from his forehead. 

“Try to sleep okay?”

Cas just nodded, exhausted.

Sam stood there and stared a moment, an odd expression on his face. He bent then, pressing a kiss to Cas' temple. “ Thank you.” He whispered then was off to his own bed.


	6. Chapter 6

All around him was noise.

Men screaming, bullets whizzing past. Orders being yelled, grenades and bombs going off. It rattled around in Cas' head and made him a touch dizzy. Through the Cacophony, He heard his name. It was distant. Miles away. He kept shooting over the wall they had taken cover behind.

" Novak!!"

Cas jerked his head to the left and realized that the sound was closer than he thought.

" Novak, We need more ammo. Head over to C-Base and grab some for us"

Nodding, Cas got up and went. He stayed low as he ran, praying that no rounds would clip him on his way. he needed to focus on the task at hand. At what was right in front of him. Not at the war sounds that surrounded him. He needed to wipe out the noise.

Taking a deep breath, he calmed his nerves. Pushed the noise to the back ground. He focused on what was immediately around him. To his left, men were shooting from the wall at the enemy. Further back there were men launching bombs. At the same time, bombs fell to Cas' right.

he pressed on.

Coming up on C-Base, there was something not right. It struck him in the chest like a well aimed shot. Frowning, He got down under some bushes to creep closer and get a look.

There were soldiers coming up on the base. Soldiers wearing the wrong uniform. They must have gotten through the wall and circled around to attack from behind. Cas didn't think. He took a deep breath and got up. He ran through C-base. past a medic taking care of a bullet wound. Past men firing and more bombs being launched.

He ran to the edge of the dug out area and opened fire.

It wasn't until the bodies were on the ground that Cas realized what had done. Five men lay on the ground dead because of him. Sure he had saved a far larger number who would have surely died under the German's guns... but the five that lay there were gone because of him.

He didn't realize that his knees had buckled until he was on the ground. He stayed there for what seemed like an eternity. Time stretched weird in battle. One minute could be a life time. Five minutes could be no time at all. He wondered if these men had families. Would there be people to mourn them?

A hand on his shoulder brought Cas back. " Novak you saved us... you okay?"

" Yeah" Cas shook his head and the Cacophony came back. " I need ammo"

~

By now the dreams were so common that Cas didn't wake in a state of fight or flight. He had accepted them like he had accepted the fact that his lower arm was gone and his body was in a constant state of pain. He sat up carefully so he could reach for a glass of water. Sam always made sure that there was water for Cas to drink. It was important to his healing that he stay hydrated.

He poured a drink and as he did, a letter caught his eye. It was addressed to him. One of the nurses must have left it here for him.

By now Cas was familiar with everyone here. Out of all the soldiers that came and went from the hospital, He had been there the longest. His wounds would take a long time to heal. Cas had no idea how long he had been there but he was aware of the other soldiers coming and going.

Curious, Cas ran his fingers over the letter. It had been opened, probably to ensure there was nothing in it that could help the enemy, Then re-sealed. He opened the letter to read it.

 

_Corporal Novak,_

_Cas…_

_It took me a long damn time to find you. I really can't put in words how glad I was to hear that you were alive. I would have sent this sooner if I had any say about it. Well better late than never._

_I'm on home soil now. My leg is almost healed up. Damn thing was broke in three places. I'm going to be out of the hospital in a few weeks and then I'm heading home. I gotta get things set up for my brother. He's still over there helping people. Whenever this war is over though I have to have things right for him_

_You know about our parents so you know that the place has been boarded up. Fuck… Its been boarded up for a long time. We got some neighbors looking out for the place though. Making sure no one tries to break in. Got Sammy to thank for that._

_I'm going to get back to fixin cars. I can do that on one leg until the thing is fully healed. Make some money, Get things settled. When you get home, you should come on over and I'll cook dinner._

_Look I know this was a long time coming but… Thanks man. You saved my life out there and I'm grateful. I heard that you were hurt real bad but that you were in good hands. Listen. I know you don't have much family. If you need a place to stay when you get back, my home is always open to you._

_I mean that._

_You get yourself better so I can make you that dinner._

_Take care, Your brother, Dean_

 

Cas wiped a hand over his face to dislodge the tears that had settled in his eyes. He knew that Dean was safe, but reading the words from _him_ was something else entirely. 

Dean was safe.

With a pleased sigh, Cas downed the glass of water and settled back to snooze until Sam came to change his bandages.


	7. Chapter 7

Sam came on time that morning for Cas' bandages. Cas didn't even realize that Sam was beside him until those long fingers carded through Cas' too-long hair. He hummed and in his sleep-awake state, his face turned into the palm of Sam's hand.

“Time for your Bandages Cas.” There was a smile in Sam's voice. 

“ Hmmm...” Then Cas' eyes snapped open and he moved away from Sam's hand, realizing what he was doing. “s-sorry.”

Sam chuckled. “Its alright...” There was a pause and Cas followed Sam's eyes to the bedside table. Sam picked up the envelope that contained Dean's letter. “Where did you get this?”

He sounded a little alarmed. Cas sat up further, concerned. “It was on my bedside table this morning. A Letter from a close friend.”

“Dean Winchester...” Sam said. The name sounded strangely intimate on Sam's tongue.

“Yes.” Cas replied. “We fought together at the battle of the bulge.” Eons ago.

“Dean John Winchester from Kansas.” Sam clarified

“Yes… Why?”

“That's my Brother.” Sam blurted. He sat down on the stool that was always beside Cas' bed. “You are the one who saved my brother.”

Cas' mouth hung open. “O-ooh. Dean mentioned you in the letter. He called you Sammy. I thought it was a younger man.”

Sam laughed then leaned in to wrap his arm around Cas' waist. He was careful not to touch any burns. “Thank you.” He said, hugging Cas tight. “Thank you for keeping him safe for me. If I had lost him...”

Cas pressed forward into the hug. He let himself rest against Sam's chest. It was so good to be touched like this. In a way that wasn't medical. “Its alright… Anyone would have done it.”

“No…” Sam pulled back to look Cas in the eye. “It takes a special brave man to do what you did. You could have ran. You could have… And you tried to save me.”

“The thunderstorm?” That was ages ago. Cas had lost all relation to time. “I thought we were under attack and… I just knew I had to save you.”

Sam smiled warmly. “Well you saved both of us. What did Dean have to say?”

Cas smiled and reached for the letter. “He invited me to dinner. When we get back.”

This time Sam laughed outright. It was rich and unrestricted and utterly beautiful. “That's not a surprise. I hope you take us up on the offer.”

“I might.”

Sam stood so he could start to remove the bandages. “How was he… In the field?”

“Brave. A little cocky some times. But he was funny too. Always looking for a way to make me laugh. It soothed the nerves and made things less scary. I knew that I was safe with him at my back.”

“That's funny because he mentioned the same thing.” Sam told him.

“You've talked to him?” Cas asked and then felt foolish. Of course they had. They were brothers and likely had been sending letters back and forth. 

“ Yeah.” Sam answered as if Cas' question wasn't ridiculous. “He said that you were scary but in a good way. He said you were quiet and severe in action but easy to smile when you weren't. I can see that now after you rescued me that night.”

Cas groaned. “I didn't rescue you. I made a fool of myself over a silly storm.”

“Not at all Cas. You are shell shocked. You legitimately thought there was danger. You thought we were under attack and you still came for me. It doesn't matter that there was no real threat. You thought there was and you acted on it. And it means something to me… That you came for me. You could have saved anyone but you came for  _ me.” _

“I guess...”

Sam's fingers wrapped around Cas' chin and he lifted it so he could look Cas in the eye. “You are a hero Cas. You saved my family.”

Cas felt himself flushing a little under Sam's hazel gaze. He looked so intense. His eyes flicking between Cas' eyes and his lips. Sam licked his own lips then reached for the saline. Cas' breath hitched when Sam moved away,  his heart hammering.”

“You are a hero too you know.” Cas said quietly

Sam snorted. “How so?”

“You were injured in the field. You could have taken the easy way out and gone home but you stayed.  Y ou were healed to use your skills to keep helping people. How many men have you saved in your care?”

Sam's gaze softened and the look stole Cas' breath. He suddenly understood  _ why _ he had 'saved' Sam. It was because he was in love with him.

“I guess you are right.” Sam smiled. “Thank you for making me look at it that way.”

“You are welcome.” Cas rasped in return.

“These wounds are looking good. You will probably be able to go home in a month.”

The idea made Cas' heart lurch. Leave Sam here? Alone? The idea was horrible.  H e still ached. It wasn't as bad as when he first woke up here. Not by a long shot. But  his skin was still in constant pain.  His arm had all but healed into an ugly marred stump. The thought of it settled into Cas' throat like lead.

Beautiful Sweet Sam would never find Cas attractive. Not with his stump and burn scars. He probably had a girl at home waiting for him. A man like Sam couldn't be alone. It didn't make a lick of sense. Dean had invited Cas to dinner but he didn't think he would be able to stomach eating if Sam's girl was hanging off his arm.

“Hey. Its a good thing yeah?”

“Yeah...”

“I'm sure Dean mentioned it but if you need a place to stay… you can come to Kansas to get  back  on your feet.”

Cas swallowed. “Thank you Sam.”

Cas wasn't taking saline baths any more. The grafts had healed enough that it was unneeded so Sam simply gave Cas a sponge over with saline and then rubbed the antibiotic ointment into his skin again. It felt like heaven. The coolness of it all and Sam's gentle hands.

When Sam was finished, Cas read over Dean's letter again before reaching for a book.  Between now and his deployment back home he had to figure out away to fall out of love with Sam Winchester. The problem was, He didn't know how.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Early morning was Cas' time. It was then that his skin started to itch and burn. An hour or so before Sam would come around and change his bandages. Two hours before breakfast. Outside the sun was just cresting and it was still mostly dark. This was a quiet, peaceful time.

Patients were sleeping now so cries of pain were low. The bustling of nurses was at a minimum. His neighbor wasn't awake to complain about the noise. It was the perfect time for Cas to let out some frustrations. To distract himself from the itch and the ache.

When he woke that morning, He had been dreaming of Sam. Of that gorgeous throat bared as Cas thrust between his long legs. Of how those strong arms wrapped around his waist as they fucked. The sound of Sam's moans. His cock heavy in Cas' hand. He could feel the expanse of Sam's chest under him and how safe it must feel there. Safe from everything that happened. Safe from himself

Cas was hard and aching when he woke. It was happening more and more lately. Sam was spending more time with him and giving more things for him to fantasize about. Like how a flashlight looked in Sam's mouth. He had to hold it there once as he changed Cas' bandages when the power went out. That had destroyed him. 

Cas had spent an obscene amount of time in the bathroom that day, claiming that he had eaten something that didn't agree with him. All he could think of was Sam on his knees with Cas' cock in his mouth. His throat working to hold him. How eager he would take him. Easy like how the flashlight sat in his mouth.

Cas tilted his head back against the pillows and let his fingers slide down the right side of his chest. He concentrated on areas of skin that weren't covered with bandages. He thought of Sam's hands. Large and slim fingered. Calloused from work but so gentle and firm.

He imagined them sliding down his chest, tweaking a nipple. Cas let his thumb brush over his as he thought it. He let a soft gasp. He let his hand travel lower, pressing on his lower belly. The Sam in his Imagination liked to tease. It had Cas' hips rolling up in need. 

Finally he let his hand travel lower, cupping his balls. He brought his hand up for a moment to wet his thumb in his mouth. Now when his thumb pressed along his balls, he could imagine that it was Sam's tongue. It was easy to see those mischievous fox eyes in his mind. How Sam might look between his legs.

Cas bit his lip and took hold of himself, letting a soft sigh.

“ Corporal, are you alright?” 

It was a female voice. Cas let go of himself immediately. It was Pamela. The woman who tended to his neighbor. 

“I-” His voice cracked. He coughed. “I'm fine.”

She pulled back the curtain and peeked in. “Why are you even awake Novak? You should be sleeping.” She scolded. 

“I'm usually awake at this time.” He told her simply.

“You don't look so well… Sam is awake. I'll go get him.”

“No! That's-” But she was already gone.

Cas sighed and fell back against his bed, willing his erection to go away before Sam got there. It was easy enough. He just had to think about the war and-

“ Heyya Cas.” Sam's voice was warm like whiskey. It made Cas shiver. How did he get here so fast? Cas sat up so that the sheets could pool around his lap and hopefully hide things.

“Hello Sam.”

“ Pam tells me you aren't feeling so hot.” Sam came over to get a look at Cas' flushed face. “ Hmm. It looks like you are running a fever.”

“ I'm okay, I-” Cas' ability to speak stopped because those hands slid over Cas' forehead and then both of them swept up over his cheeks. The palms of Sam's hands rested there. His fingers curling into Cas' hair. So close to the nape of his neck. He couldn't help the whimper that left his throat as his traitorous dick started hardening more.

“You seem warm. Sit tight and I will get a thermometer.” Sam told him

When he left, Cas dipped his fingers into the cool water beside his bed and wrapped his wet fingers around his cock. It wasn't near cold enough to help. He yanked his hand free when Sam came back. He smiled. “Open up Cas. You know the drill.” 

Cas almost rose a brow and chastised him for the patronizing tone but his mouth words didn't want to work. He did as he was asked, opening his mouth and letting the cold metal slide under his tongue. He glanced up at his caretaker. He would bet his life that the medical tool would look delicious in Sam's mouth. He was also certain that on him it looked ridiculous.

Sam was staring right back at him, his mouth open slightly. The thermometer beeped and it took Sam a moment to reach for it and check it. “Hmm. Normal. That's odd. Let me go get the equipment. I'll change your bandages early. The saline will help cool your skin down.”

“It can wait Sam… Its not time yet and I don't want to take you from your morning-”

“Cas, Its okay. My morning routine isn't that important. I can eat my breakfast with you later. I'ts my pleasure to help.” Something about how the word pleasure rolled off Sam's tongue. Cas shivered.

“Thanks..”

Cas did his best to quell his arousal while Sam was gone. The man was too damn efficient at his job and while Cas was trying to get over how the word pleasure sounded from Sam's mouth, He was back with his familiar cart and Cas was still at the mercy of his traitorous cock.

Sam's deft hands were on Cas' skin before he knew it. Pealing back bandages so his ruined skin could breathe. Cas tried to keep his breathing steady. Tried not to think of his earlier fantasy. Sam was always gentle and sweet. It made it harder to make his mind separate what was happening now from fantasy. Cas prayed that the blanket pooled in his lap would hide his arousal.

“How are you feeling this morning?”

“Same as always.” Cas replied.

“How are the bad dreams?”

The sound of Cas' name on Sam's lips when he comes

“They come and go...”

“That's good!” Goddam Sam. He sounded so genuine. “You used to have the nightmares every night. It seems like your shell shock is getting better.”

No… He was still afraid most of the time. The nightmares were still there. Every time he closed his eyes. He was just lucky enough to have dreams of Sam peppered in with the bad. Sam who constantly was his solace in recovery.

By now the bandages were off and Sam had taken up the cloth. Cool saline dripped over Cas' heated skin. He couldn't help but moan softly. One of Sam's hands sat on his good shoulder as the other drew the washcloth down his chest. It cleaned off last night's ointment before dipping into the bowl again. 

This time the cloth soothed over Cas' shoulder along his neck. Sam's hand slid over his good shoulder to rest against a pectoral as the washcloth cleaned back. This felt more intimate than usual. It seemed that Sam was closer maybe. It was probably his dick talking. 

When his skin was free of Ointment, Sam let Cas dry then put on the fresh cream. “ I hear we are getting scrambled eggs and pancakes today.” Sam told him conversationally.

Christ… Sam with Syrup. The last time they were served with pancakes, Sam moaned here and there at the taste of the butter and syrup. It got on his fingers and Cas was treated/tortured with the sight of him licking them clean. He moaned at the image

“Right? Its such a rare treat. I'll see if I can get you an extra pancake.”

Oblivious. Sam was entirely oblivious. And it was probably good that it stayed that way.


	9. Chapter 9

When Sam was gone, Cas pulled on the robe they had given him and headed to the bathroom. He did his business then leaned against the cool tile wall with a sigh. Checking that the door was locked, Cas closed his eyes and slid his hand into his pants.

He didn't have long but He needed release before Sam came with breakfast. He thought of Sam's mouth and wrapped his hand around his cock. He thought of how Sam's mouth would taste sticky with syrup. The moans he made while he ate. Like Pancakes were everything.

Cas bit his lip. The cool tile was nice against his skin. Not as nice as Sam's hands. How Sam's hand felt against his chest. Pressing gently. Cas moaned softly at the memory. He latched on to that intimate moment. Thought of Sam's hand on his cheek again, letting his thumb slip between Cas' lips. 

He jacked himself faster at the thought of Sam bringing bites of pancake to Cas' mouth. Chasing the food with sticky kisses. He thought of straddling Sam's hips and riding him until- ooh- Until -oh- Until he came with his nails scratching down Sam's chest.

Cas came over his fist with a muffled noise. He felt relieved that it was over. Now he might be able to sit through breakfast with the man and not want to jump him. Cas cleaned up, careful to leave the room immaculate. It was tricky with one arm but he managed. 

He made his way back to his bed to doze until Sam came around with breakfast. He wondered what he would do when he got back to Canada. He had a small apartment but he wasn't sure when he would be discharged. Would he go home or would he be taken to a Canadian hospital? He had no idea. 

He wondered how Dean was doing. If he was assimilating to civilian life okay. If he was having shell shock too. The thought of that made his heart hurt. Dean at home all alone with no one to comfort him when he woke up. It was unfair that Cas was here with Dean's brother for comfort and Dean himself was all alone.

He decided then that when he was able he would visit his friend. Dean needed comfort too. Of course he would have Sam, but what if Cas was discharged before the war was over and Sam stayed behind to help. His friend needed some one.

Cas got up then and went to find some paper and a pen. It was awkward, having no extra hand to hold the paper while writing, but Cas managed. He started a letter for Dean. Telling him that Sam was a good man and that he planned to visit once he was on home soil. He wondered if Dean remembered that Cas wasn't American. 

Maybe he would sell his apartment and simply move to the states. Maybe that was wishful thinking. Dean might not want him around when Sam returned. Sam probably wouldn't want a reminder of the war lingering either. Maybe he was just being stupid.

His negative thoughts were interrupted with Sam arriving with breakfast. 

“Hey. What are you writing?” Sam asked. He waited until Cas was situated before setting the breakfast tray down over Cas' lap.

“Just a letter for Dean. I wonder how he is doing.”

“Me too.” Sam admitted softly. 

“I hope he doesn't have nightmares like I do.”

Sam gave Cas a tight smile. “Dean's tough. I'm sure he is fine.” The words were mechanic. As if Sam had told them to himself hundreds of times. Cas nodded. 

Sam took one of the plates off of the tray and sat in the chair near Cas' bed to eat. He had brought the chair over a while ago and it stayed when this became Sam's favorite place to eat. “It means a lot to me that you think of him and hope he's okay.” Sam's voice was tender.

Cas smiled back. He sensed that Sam needed some comfort so reached out to squeeze Sam's hand. It was awkward, reaching over to Sam who was sitting on his left, but he made it work.

“Of course Sam. He is a dear friend.” He and Dean hadn't known each other long, but Cas owed Dean his life. They had been fast friends and there wasn’t much he wouldn't do for either of the Winchester boys.

“Well lets not let this food get cold.” Sam pulled on a smile. Cas knew it was to hide his worry. It sat under the smile and at the frown line on Sam's forehead. 

Breakfast smelled divine and Cas took a big bite. The cakes weren't as fluffy as they would have been back home but these were still a treat and he still couldn't help but moan. The sound was mirrored by Sam and Cas opened his eyes to see Sam's closed with pleasure. It was beautiful how Sam derived pleasure and happiness from such small things. It was something Cas could really learn from.

“Oi!! Both of you shut it. You sound obscene!” Cas' neighbor grumbled.

“Sorry Mr. Donalds” Sam said with a grin. 

Cas stifled a laugh. Sam just winked and took another sinful bite. Christ that mouth around food. Cas fumbled for his coffee but it tasted flat as he watched Sam. He wanted to tell him that he was beautiful. That he wanted to go with him to the U.S. when this was over. That he had fallen in love with him.

He said none of that and let the bitterness of the coffee wash over his tongue. He ate the rest of his meal and did his best to enjoy it. Sam certainly enjoyed his. He licked his fingers clean as Cas finished his coffee. He had no idea how Sam managed to get so messy but was glad he did. He hoped he wasn't obvious with his watching.

“Hmmm.” Sam leaned to the side so he could look around the curtain. “The nurses are being noisy about something.” 

It was only when Sam mentioned it that Cas realized that yes, they Were being noisy. They were laughing and whooping and hollering. 

“ Let me go see whats going on.”

Cas made to get up and follow him but Sam put a firm hand on his sternum. “ Stay here.” He said sternly. Cas sat back with a huff and waited. It seemed to be forever before Sam came back. Anxiety and curiosity prickling under his skin. But Sam did come back.

He was grinning and there were Tears in his eyes.

“Sam-”

“Cas!”

“What-”

Cas wasn't able to get any more words out because Sam walked over to him in a few short strides. He took Cas' face into his hands and leaned in for a kiss.

Cas' eyes shot open in shock and for a moment he had to remind himself that this was real. Sam was really kissing him. In his dreams he didn't feel the heat under his skin and the ache from the burns. Those feelings were alive and well and for the first time, Cas was glad for them. They told him that he wasn't dreaming.

Sam's mouth was sticky with syrup and sweet. He could taste the undertones of coffee. He pressed into the kiss, bringing his hand up to thread through Sam's hair. Ooh God why was this happening? Why was he so lucky? What had triggered this? He couldn't help but feel anxiety about WHY.

But then Sam was pulling back. He pressed their foreheads together and Cas could only hear their breathing. The nurses had faded into the back ground. Sam kissed him once more than pulled back. He didn't let go of Cas' face. The tears in Sam's eyes were falling now and he was still smiling. Like he was so joyful, he couldn't help but cry.

“Cas…” He rasped. “ The war is over.”


	10. Chapter 10

The day the war ended passed in a blur. 

Every one was excited and happy. Elated that the worst thing to happen in their life time was over. Sam was busy for most of the day. Nurses bustled around and arrangements started to fall into place for patients to be sent home.

Home. Cas didn't want to think about home. He wanted to think about Sam's kiss. What it had meant. Where things would go from there. If Sam had feelings for Cas it would drastically sway his decision to move to the states. But really, He had no idea.

Sam had kissed him, said the good news then hustled off to take care of things. It left Cas confused and lets face it, longing for a bit of time to talk to Sam about it. Unfortunately though, with Sam busy all day, The changing of Cas' bandages fell to Pamela.

Her hands weren't warm like Sam's. They were quick and calculating. Got the job done. They weren't sweet and gentle like Sam. They didn't linger intimately. It made Cas realize that Sam was telling him a story all this time with his hands. Cas was too blind to see it. It made Cas hopeful. To know that Sam had feelings for him too. Why else would he have been so close in his work when Pamela was so distant?

Cas waited through lunch and dinner for Sam. He usually came by for one of the two meals but he didn't show up. He must be busy. Pamela changed his bandages before bed time and Cas settled in for sleep feeling disappointed. 

His sleep was restless. It usually was but this time more-so than usual. He kept waking, then shifting onto his side and falling back asleep. He couldn't stop thinking about Sam and what the kiss meant. Whether or not it meant anything and why Sam didn't come see him that day. 

With a gasp, Cas woke stark awake. The moon wasn't full but it was still bright in the sky. Its light filtered in through the window beside Cas' bed. Cas shifted and realized there was a weight on his bed. It was Sam. He was leaning forward in the chair, his head cradled in his folded arms on the bed. He couldn't see Sam's face for his hair.

“Sam.” He whispered

“Hmm?” Sam sat up, his shoulders tight. He ran his hands through his hair and looked at Cas with bleary eyes. “ Hey.” He said softly.

“What are you doing?” Cas asked. His heart was hammering. It would have been surprising if Sam couldn't hear it.

“I was thinking.”

“I see...”

“Do you need anything?”

“I'm fine Sam.”

“Good… I should go back to my own bed...”

“You can stay… If you like… for a bit.” Cas told him softly.

Sam looked at him for a long moment, his shoulders straight and tight. Finally after Cas was sure Sam would say nothing, his shoulders slumped a little and he nodded. “Okay.”

Cas had no idea what to say. Where to start. “Was it a good day?” He said when his voice wouldn't ask the question really on his mind.

“Yeah. I was stuck in administration making plans to get everyone home. Some guys, like you, will have to be transferred to hospitals near their homes to finish healing.”

Cas nodded. “Sounds stressful.” 

“It was.” Sam sighed.

“When do YOU get to go home?”

“After all the patients are gone.” He looked at his feet. “I miss my brother.”

“I can imagine.” Cas hesitated. “So...”

A muscle in Sam's jaw twitched and he put a hand on the bed. Cas sat up more and reached for that hand. The thing that had brought him so much relief. So much care and comfort. He leaned in and let his lips drag over the knuckles. 

Sam's hand tightened and he moved to pull away. “I should really get some sleep Cas. I have another big day tomorrow.

Cas nodded. “Good night Sam.”

The next morning, Cas got Pamela again. They went through the routine of bandages. Cas ate breakfast and lunch alone. It was a stark change and it made Cas' heart ache for the other soldiers who maybe didn't have as much company that Cas did. Still, He missed Sam

Sam returned to change Cas' bandages before bed. His hands were warm but they weren't so gentle. Sam didn't hurt Cas but they weren't intimate and close like they had been before. The bandages were changed in silence. Cas didn't complain. Sam must be tired with all the work he had been doing. 

When the bandages were changed, Sam lingered a moment. He looked out at the other side of the room where the curtain didn't hide them. Following Sam's eyes, he could see that there was no one there. He looked back up to Sam confused. When he did, his eyes met Sam's. He was frowning a little.

“Whats wrong?” Cas asked

“Could I kiss you… One more time.” Sam all but whispered

“Of course.” Cas told him

Sam hesitated then moved in to press a kiss to Cas' lips. The kiss didn't seem as warm as before. But it was still a kiss and it was still Sam. When he pulled back, Sam's eyes were a little red. “Good night Castiel.” He said softly then he took his trolley and was gone.

The next morning it was Pamela again. Cas had her again that afternoon and evening. He ate all his meals alone. This happened again and again until a week had gone by and he hadn't seen Sam. He asked Pamela about him and she just smiled and said that Sam was fine just swamped with work.

With nothing to do but read, Cas had all the time in the world to stew. Had he said something wrong? Had he done something? Why wouldn't Sam come see him. He didn't understand. They had been good friends and then the kiss… Cas had been hoping that something might blossom there. He had been dreaming about it since he realized his love for Sam.

And then nothing.

It made Cas' chest tight. 

Then finally one morning, Sam came. There were two men dressed in fatigues with him. 

“Corporal Novak.” Sam said. “These men are here to get you transported to St. Mary's Hospital in Collingwood Canada.”

Cas frowned. “Already? I'm going home already.” 

Sam nodded. “ The papers and everything has been organized. They are taking you to a plane where you will fly home. The rest of your treatment will happen in Canada.”

This was happening so fast and all at once. He was leaving. He was leaving and Sam was being far to clinical. He had never sounded like this before. Maybe it was because there were other soldiers there but it didn't feel right.

“Sam...” He choked out.

Sam smiled gently and finally looked like himself. “Congratulations on going home Corporal. I owe you a debt for saving my brother.” He reached out to shake Cas' hand. “Good bye Castiel.” He said and then was gone.

Cas didn't register the soldiers helping him into a wheel chair and get him to a car. He didn't remember how he got to the plane. It was all a daze getting home and being sent to Collingwood. All he knew was that he only had a few more weeks of hospital stay and then he was going home with twice a week physical therapy appointments.

He was so empty.


	11. Chapter 11

The time in the hospital passed in a blur. Before he knew it he was heading home. It didn't feel like home. The apartment seemed too small. The place was clean though. He stepped over a pile of mail by the door and headed for the kitchen. He stood there a moment, completely unsure of what to do with himself. 

There was a note there. His landlady, Mrs. Anderson explaining that she had let herself in to clean every week. That was nice of her… Cas made his way to his room and laid down on his bed. It was so soft in comparison to the hospital beds he was used to. Too soft. In the hospital, Cas had been numb. He felt nothing. He had just been there and empty for the nurses to tend to.

Now, in his bed, a wave of emotions hit. 

Anger came first. How dare Sam do this to him. Kiss him so sweetly and gotten Cas' hopes up for what? A cold goodbye. Did their friendship mean to little to him? That thought had the anger turning to hurt. Sam was probably just thinking of his brother and going home.

Cas you are so stupid. Of course Sam wouldn't want you. You are disfigured. That thought just made Cas more angry. He got up and headed to the bathroom, pulling his clothes off as he went. When he got in front of the bathroom mirror, he was naked from the waist up and… woah.

It looked like some one had poured wax over his skin and it some how became him. The raised parts of his scars were white while the lower parts were still pink. It looked glassy. Shiny where the healed skin was pulled tight. The damaged skin ran from his bellybutton up to his collar bone and down his left arm. His left nipple was entirely gone. The burn started from his sternum and reached over, enveloping him right to his back. 

And then there was his stump. Still raw looking but healed. It was disgusting. Just seeing the damage made his skin throb. It brought tears to his eyes looking at the monster he had become. No wonder Sam had changed his mind and decided he didn't want him. Look at him. He was disfigured, scarred. A ruined Man.

A sob escaped him and Cas forced himself to look up at his eyes. He looked haunted and he was. The memories of war sat in his eyes. They looked both empty and full of pain. A man broken , and he was. He tore himself from the mirror and headed back to his bed. This time he pulled back the covers and crawled in. He curled himself into a tight ball and wept.

He was woken by a crash.

He sat stark upright and looked around. It was dark now. He went to the window. There was a flash of light followed by a deafening boom.

A storm.

Logically, Cas knew this but that didn't stop him from going to get his rifle and heading to his closet. He curled up in there, clutching his rifle to his chest and looking out on his bedroom. Each crack of thunder made him shiver. Each flash of lightning reminded him of a bomb. It was just as bad as the last storm he endured

Only last time he had some one to save.

Last time his mind was filled with finding and saving Sam. Now there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. He was all alone in his empty apartment, shivering in the storm. He realized then with a sudden certainty that this was how it would always be. 

He was going to be alone now for the rest of his life. No family, no loved ones. Just him and his rifle. He wondered if it would hurt if he put the rifle in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Would he feel the bullet as it passed through his head and into the brain? Or would he just die. 

That would make a terrible mess for his landlord, Mrs. Anderson to take care of. 

Cas thumbed the trigger on his rifle.

Tomorrow he would go into town and go to the hardware store. He would pick up a tarp and lay it in the bath tub. Then he could lay down and swallow his gun. There would be the tarp to catch the mess. Anything else would be easy to send down the drain. 

With the storm heading off and the resolution of suicide in his mind, Cas headed back to bed.

It was the best sleep he had gotten since Sam kissed him.

He dressed the next morning, skipped breakfast. He buttoned his shirt up to the collar to hide his scars. No need to scare anyone. He had already knotted the sleeve to close at the stump. Cut off the end to not dangle. He put his rifle on the seat beside him in his pick up and headed into town.

It was around Noon when Cas rolled up to the hard ware store. He went to find his tarp. A large black one. The clerk didn't say anything as he paid. She DID look at the place where his arm was missing. Cas did his best to ignore her. It was looks like that. Of disgust and pity that made him want to follow through on his plan.

The drive home seemed to take too long but eventually he got there. It was a relief to be there. The end was soon. He opened the door to step in, tarp under his arm and paused.

There was a letter on the floor.

Curious, Cas picked it up and headed to the kitchen. He set the tarp down and looked at the back of the card for a return address.

Dean Winchester – Kansas.

Cas' breath hitched.

He dropped the letter onto the table as if it were burning him. He paced around a little, contemplating if he should open it or not. Finally he decided to make a coffee. He sat and drank it, staring at the letter until he worked up the nerve to open it.

Cas~

Hope you are settling in fine at home. Sammy's been here a week and I couldn't be happier to have him home. It was great the first few days but his mood changed. He was grouchy and argued about everything. I asked him about it and he said it was because of you.

He wouldn't say why. 

All he said was that he fucked up and you were gone. Well I did some digging and found your address. (I seem to be really good at doing this. Maybe I should be a private I) Anyway, I want you to come down to Kansas.

Sam's been stewing down here and not eating much and… I don't know what happened between you two but I owe you a dinner and you need to talk things out with Sammy. I'm not asking you to stay long. Just please. My brother needs your help

~ Dean

Cas set the letter down, his mouth dry despite the coffee he had just consumed. He picked up his tarp and headed back to the pick up. In town, He returned it and then went to the bank to take out some money. He still had his army pension in there. 

He headed home and packed enough clothes for a week. He locked up the rifle and locked up the house and got into his pick up. He sat there a long time thinking about what he would do. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he turned the keys in the ignition and started driving.

It was a long road to Kansas but Sam needed him.


	12. Chapter 12

Cas got a little lost when he finally got to Lawrence. It was so much hotter there than in Canada. It made wearing a long sleeved shirt buttoned to the throat uncomfortable. The fabric clung to his skin in an almost sore itchy way. Like his bandages when they needed to be changed.

Cas stopped at a gas station and bought a soda and asked the man working there if he could have directions to Sam and Dean's address. The man new exactly where they lived and he told him happily how to get there. To this town Sam and Dean were almost celebrities.

They were two of the four men who returned to Lawrence after the war. Five out of eighty seven men. Dean was known a little more than Sam because he worked at the very gas station that Cas was standing in, fixing cars. Everyone got their gas here and Dean had fixed most everyone's cars.

Cas thanked the man for his help and got back in the car. He sat there for a few moments to calm himself. What if Sam didn't want to see him? What if it was a bad time. What if...

Dean wouldn't have sent that letter if things weren't dire. Sam needed him, Dean said. Sam had been there for Cas. He nursed his wounds for months. Kept loneliness at bay. Made Cas feel whole again

All before ripping it all away in the last week...

Cas shoved that away. Sam needed him.

He started the car and drove away, following the directions to the boy's house. The boys lived in a farm house just on the outside of town. It was a beautiful house on a nice piece of land. Cas spotted a fair sized vegetable garden and roaming chickens in the yard. he turned up the driveway. The closer he got the more anxious he felt.

Dean was sitting on the front porch on a porch swing, drinking a beer. God Cas' friend looked good. He had filled out some, looked healthy. He wasn't slim with the horror of war any more. Dean was eying the car with interest until he realized who was inside. He got up and started forward, cane in hand.

Cas got out of the car and smiled.

" Cas you Son of a Gun, you came!" When Dean got to him, he dropped the cane and wrapped both arms around Cas' shoulders in a tight hug.

Cas hugged him back happily. Dean didn't smell the same. He didn't smell of gun oil dirt and sweat any more. Now he smelled of aftershave leather and that same sweat smell that Dean always had as an underlying smell. It was good. To see and hold and smell his friend without the veil of war shadowing him.

Dean clapped Cas on the back, making him wince. He pulled out of the hug and took Cas' face in his hands. " Goddamn you look good Cas. Christ you look good."

"So do you." Cas bent to pick up Dean's cane. He handed it to him and Dean threw an arm around his friend's shoulders.

"You must be tired. Come on in and let me get you a beer. we can grab your bags later."

Sam and Dean's home was the epitome of cute farmhouse. The wallpaper looked like it hadn't been updated in a long time. Green and cream stripes with roses in the wider cream stripes. There was a stair case to the right of the front door and to the left a hall that went past the living room and a study to the kitchen.

Dean led Cas down the hall to the kitchen. Cas followed, distracted by the pictures on the wall. There was a picture of the man who gave him directions. A young light haired woman and a dark haired man. There were pictures of two boys. Sam and Dean.

When Cas got to the kitchen there was already a beer for him on the table. "What can I get you Cas? you hungry. I can whip you up an egg salad sandwich." There were two steaks on the counter and Dean was taking out another.

"That would be swell Dean." Cas said shyly. It was strange to see him so... domesticated. The last time they had shared a meal, they were cradling rifles in their arms and were using spent ammo boxes as stools.

"I'm makin steak tonight. Sam's doing up some scalped potatoes."

"Sounds great."

"Sammy's just gone into town to get some groceries. He'll be back soon." Dean put a bowel on the table and pealed three hard boiled eggs. He put them in the bowl and started chopping some celery. " Sit!" He said. " Tell me about Canada. How have you been."Cas' face must have fallen because Dean frowned. " That bad huh?"

Cas swallowed and stared at the beads of perspiration that were sliding down the cold beer. Dean waited patiently as he made the sandwich. Cas took a swallow of the beer and told Dean everything. He told him about the thunderstorm and the shell shock and the depression. he told him about the tarp and his plan. How Dean's letter had saved him.

When he was done telling him about that, he told Dean about the hospital. How Sam had been a solace for him. How Sam had saved him and how he had fallen in love with him. He told Dean about the night he rescued Sam from the thunderstorm and the day the war ended. How they kissed.

he described how Sam stopped coming to see him and how it broke Cas' heart

Dean listened as Cas explained all of this between bites of sandwich. ( goddamn good sandwich)

"Yeah that sounds about right." Dean replied. " About the hospital that is."

Cas took a long sip of beer and cocked his head to the side.

"Sam told me a lot about the hospital." Dean explained.

" Like what?"

"I'll let Sam explain it when he's home." Dean told him. He sighed and rubbed his face. " I'm glad you're here Cas. I'm glad that my letter saved you. I missed you man."

" I missed you too Dean. Thanks for taking the time to find me... twice."

"Thanks for saving my life." Dean grinned.

Cas looked at the beer in his hand and smiled shyly.

" You can stay here as long as you need."

"Thanks."

There was a slam of the screen door and footsteps in the Hall. " Dean I'm home." called Sam's voice. Cas looked at Dean with a nervous expression. " I saw a car in the drive. Who's her-" Sam was carrying two brown bags of groceries. He dropped them when he saw Cas.

They stared at each other. Cas swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing. A can of creamed corn rolled across the floor.

" Cas." Sam rasped. He looked like he had been struck by rapture. Like he had laid eyes on a priceless painting. Like he had seen an angel. " You're here."

"Yeah." Cas' voice was raspy too

"You look good..."

"So do you..."

"I'm glad you're here..."

" I - "

Cas was attacked with a wave of anxiety. He couldn't do this. He couldn't face Sam. He couldn't handle being rejected by him again. He stood up and stumbled towards the back door. " I'm sorry." He said and ran into the back yard and into the trees that stood beyond the vegetable garden

 


	13. Chapter 13

Sam had been so achingly beautiful

The summer Lawrence sun had turned his sun-kissed shade of gold. The dry breeze had tossed his hair gorgeously. He had looked like a harvest God.

Cas slowed to a walk once he reached the trees. He kept going until he found an old tree house. he climbed the ladder until he got to the top. It was tricky but after some trouble he got used to it. The tree house wasn't much more than a few platforms that had been build up around the tree. He could imagine two boys having a blast growing up back here.

Goddamn his nerves. Seeing Sam was both a blessing and a curse. A curse that almost made him puke his egg salad all over the hardwood kitchen floor.

The look on Sam's face. Disbelief. As if he couldn't believe that Cas was really there. Deep down in his heart, Cas knew that Sam didn't want him there. He was an unwelcome surprise. Cas should never have returned that tarp...

Cas lost track of time. He had no idea how long he was out there. He was just stewing with his eyes closed, wishing he could unbutton his shirt and feel the breeze on his skin. After a while, he nu-buttoned the top two buttons on his shirt. It was then that he heard the rustling of foot steps.

He tensed, opening his eyes. It took him a moment to remember where he was. that he was safe even as he was searching for a rifle.

"Cas?"

It was Sam

"Yes?" Cas replied after a moment.

There was no response but the sound of some one climbing up. Soon enough, Sam was sitting across from him on the top most platform. The light shone through the leaves, casting dappled light across Sam's face. It made his eyes look so hazel it hurt.

"Why'd you run?" Sam asked. He was staring at Cas thinking who knows what.

Cas' shoulders tensed. "I just... couldn't face you."

Sam nodded and looked down. " I missed you."

The admission made Cas want to sob. "Right..." he couldn't hide the bitterness in his voice.

" I'm guessing I have my brother to thank for you being here."

"Yes."

They were both quiet for a moment. The awkward silence hung between them like a sentient thing. Cas looked anywhere but Sam. There was a ball of lead in his throat and no amount of swallowing would make it go away.

"Dean told me that you almost killed yourself."

And there it was.

"Yes."

More silence. Then: "Cas I'm Sorry."

"What for?" He needed to hear Sam say it.

"For what happened. For kissing you. for ignoring you. Its been killing me. tearing me apart what I did to you. I'm sorry Castiel. I'm so sorry."

Cas looked back to Sam. It was a mistake. Sam had quiet tear tracks down his face. Drops clung to his stubble, refusing to fall. It made Cas ache even more but it also made him feel a little good. He wasn't the only one hurting.

"Why?"

"I was an idiot." Sam admitted.

"Explain." Cas demanded.

And so Sam settled back against the tree branch behind him and told Cas his story.

The first time that Sam saw Cas he knew he was in for it.

It was those long dark lashes against those gorgeous cheek bones. His pretty mouth and how it parted as he slept. Cas was the most beautiful man that Sam had ever seen and he was assigned to _his_ care. 

Sam had always been a diligent worker. He aimed for perfection. Some times fell short but he did his best. The men under his care deserved no less. In Sam's eyes, all of the men in his care were heroes. But there was something about Castiel that made him... a little more attentive. Maybe it was because he was beautiful. Maybe it was the burns.

When Cas woke up, Sam knew he was doomed.

The man's eyes were the bluest he had ever seen. Blue and sad and shrouded in pain. They pulled at Sam's heartstrings more than any other patient he had. The thing that got to him more than anything else was Castiel's care for his comrades. His Second question upon waking had been about the other men he had been fighting with. Not about his condition. not what happened to  _him_ but his brothers in arms."

And then Cas smiled. It was warm like a summer day. It made Sam keep smiling despite the fact that he still had to explain to Cas his treatment. That first encounter had been so strangely intimate to Sam. He was gentler than usual as he worked. It was probably because of the tears in Cas' stunning eyes. How he shivered with pain and shock and the saline.

It was touching to be able to call Cas by his nick name. It was touching that Cas was able to joke even when in such agony. He knew he shouldn't But he had looked at Cas' lean muscular body as he stepped into the tub that day. He couldn't help but touch Cas gently before he left

Sam enjoyed the routine they fell into. He enjoyed when Cas shared parts of himself. The more he learned, the more he knew that Cas was a good man. It hurt him when Cas got down about his situation. When Cas asked him if he could love some one like him. Some one damaged and who had only one arm.

Sam had answered truthfully. His answer was visceral. Direct from the heart. He could love anyone who had lost a limb fighting for what they believed in. He could love Cas. If he let himself he would fall completely head over heals with the man

It was when Cas came to rescue him during the thunderstorm that Sam fell in love with Cas. he could have gone anywhere, saved anyone. He could have saved his own hide but he came for  _Him._ Having Cas collapse in his arms shouldn't have been so sweet. Having him tremble and press into his chest shouldn't have had his heart thumping. He couldn't help but ask why.

Cas' answer blew him away. Cas thought he was a good man. He cared for him. It made Sam's whole chest feel warm. This beautiful man with the beautiful soul thought that  _He_ was a good man. It damn near did him in.

The revelation had Sam touching Cas in a not so professional way. It had his fingers in that dark bedhead hair. His hands pressing against Cas' chest. His fingers lingering along a perfect jaw line as he shaved Cas' face for him. Cas never seemed to mind. He seemed to lean into the touch like he was hungry for it.

It all boiled down to the day the war ended. Sam was so elated and so filled with joy that he rushed to see the man he loved. He shouldn't have kissed him. Cas was Canadian and would be going home soon. Who knew if he would see him again. Who knew if Cas would  _want_ to see him again.

But he did. He kissed his patient. Cas tasted like bitter coffee and sweet syrup. He remembered how Cas' mouth opened up to him and how he kissed back. How delicious and hot that kiss had been. But then it hit him that he was kissing a man. He was in love with a man.

He pressed his forehead to Cas' to steady himself and then made the excuse to go do work.

It was eating at him. He didn't want to lead Cas on. He didn't want to start something only to have it torn from him when Cas left. And who knew if Cas felt the same. He stayed away, brooding over it all. It pained him to do it but he stayed away, hoping he was doing the best thing for his friend.

He had no idea that Cas was aching for him.

He didn't know how he ended up at Cas' bed side that night. He watched Cas sleep until his eyes got heavy and he leaned forward in his chair to rest his head. he never meant to fall asleep. But then he heard his name through his dream. He woke up with shame that Cas had caught him

He was such a coward. He didn't tell Cas how he felt. He didn't tell him what their kiss meant to him. what Cas meant to him. He just ran. After that he couldn't face him. He was too disappointed in his own cowardice.

And then Cas was gone.

It ate him up. It killed him that he did that to his friend. To his love. Sam missed him like crazy once he had gotten home. He missed him and hated himself for what he did. He wondered how Cas was. What he was doing. If he had settled in alright up in Canada.

Sam told Cas about how sorry he was. How none of this excised his behavior. He told Cas that he didn't expect forgiveness but that they could still be friends.

He hoped they could

 


	14. Chapter 14

"So you loved me all this time?" Cas asked. He felt like he couldn't breathe. Like he had been punched in the chest and winded.

Sam nodded. He looked miserable.

Cas choked and looked away, "I loved you too."

There was a long pause before Sam replied. "I still do."

Cas bit his lip as tears fell. "You hurt me Sam. You... You kissed me and made me have hope then disappeared.”

"I know." Sam said. " And I will never forgive myself for it."

"I would have moved to America for you."

"I didn't know." Sam was crying too. It made Cas' chest ache. " Why didn't you tell me?"

" I was afraid that you would find me repulsive."

"How could I ever feel that about you Cas?"

"I'm a disfigured mess!" Cas yelled.

Sam flinched as if he had been slapped and it filled Cas with vindication.

"I am missing an arm and my body is a mess."

"I don't care." Sam replied.

"You should."

"Cas... I thought you were beautiful from the moment I laid eyes on you."

Cas had a retort on his lips but it was stolen away with his breath at Sam's admission.

"How?"

"Everything about you. You are a strong brave soul. You are loyal and kind and sweet. You are beautiful Cas. Inside and out."

"My scars."

"I don't care about them. I don't even see them. They aren't you. When I look at you I see a war hero who saved my brother and countless others. I see a beautiful man who fought hard for the greater good. I see the sweetheart that I fell in love with."

"I don't think I can do this." Cas admitted.

"Do what?" Sam asked, his chest tight.

"Be with you. Leave my home for you. You broke my heart Sam..."

" I know..." Sam lowered his chin. He looked as miserable as Cas felt.

"I'm sorry Sam."

"Would you stay?" Sam asked, looking up with hopeful sunflower eyes. "Not forever but for a few days? Give me a chance... give US a chance. Please. Please Cas."

Cas regarded Sam quietly. What did he have to loose? Nothing. Either he let himself love Sam again or he didn't and he went home. He had nothing to loose and everything to gain.

"Alright." he breathed. "Alright. I'll stay..."

Sam let a sigh of relief. "Thank you"

"I'm not going to promise anything" Cas told him. "Know that."

Sam nodded. "I understand."

"But I will try."

Sam nodded again. "Okay... Can I kiss you Castiel?"

Cas chewed his lower lip. He wasn't ready for that. He wanted to. But he just wasn't ready. "No..." He rasped. "Not yet Sam..."

Disappointment was clear on Sam's face. But he nodded. " Okay. I'm not going to push okay."

"Thank you."

Sam looked up to the sky. "Dean will have dinner ready soon. We should head back."

Cas nodded. He wasn't sure if he could keep down food but he would try for Dean. The war was over but that didn't mean that things weren't still tight. If Dean was willing to take him into his house and feed him, Cas would be damned if he let that hospitality go to waste.

They climbed down. Getting down proved harder than going up but Cas refused help, even as he slipped a few times because of a lack of a second hand. They made their way back to the house in silence. Half way there, Cas let his fingers slip into Sam's hand.

Dean seemed blissfully unaware of the difficult talk that Sam and he just had. He was moving around the kitchen like a housewife, fixing up three plates. “take a seat guys, its just about through.”

“Thanks Dean.” Cas told him.

When the plates were ready, Dean put them on the table in front of them. Steak with pan fried potatoes and creamed corn. It smelled amazing.

“ Looks good Dean.” Sam grinned at his brother. God he was beautiful.

It looked good but Cas was suddenly embarrassed. He had no way of cutting his steak. Instead of asking for help, he stuck to the potatoes. He was almost done the potatoes and corn when Dean spoke up.

“Did I make your steak too rare?”

“N-no… its fine Dean.”

“Then Why-”

“here Cas.” Sam hooked his fork onto the rim of the plate and pulled it towards him. He quickly cut up Cas’ steak for him so he didn’t have to ask then pushed the plate back. Cas was flushing in embarrassment. “Thank you...”=

“Shit Cas I wish you had told me.” Dean said with an apologetic look.

“Its okay… I didn’t want to trouble you.”

“Trouble me, Please, trouble me. I am the reason you need help.”

Dean’s words only made Cas flush harder. “Okay Dean...”

When Dinner was over, Sam took Cas upstairs to show him the spare room. There was a single bed in there and a small closet where Cas could hang the clothes he brought. There was cowboy wallpaper on the wall. Cas assumed that the room belonged to one of the boys when they were young.

“The bathroom is down the hall...” Sam stood awkwardly in the room. He looked too big for it. It was adorable. “Dean and I usually play cards after dinner. There is some pie in the fridge. We can have some later if you like.”

Cas nodded and sat on the bed. “Thank you Sam.” They were both quiet for a moment.

“I’m really glad you are here.”

“So am I.”

“I’ll give you a moment to get settled” Sam turned to go.

“Sam?”

Sam turned back to Cas almost too eagerly. Cas stood on tip toe to brush his lips across Sam’s “I’ll be down in a jiffy.”

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

Cards after dinner was a delightful event. The Winchester brothers were both vicious opponents and light hearted threats were thrown around the table between laughter and sips of beer. Cas was enchanted. It was a stark comparison to how lonely he had been in Canada. How completely alone he was.

There was light and laughter in this kitchen. Cas felt at peace. He felt at home for the first time he had left for war. It was late when they retired for bed. The sun had set hours ago. The night was weighty with humidity and the sound of crickets.

Sam lead the way upstairs to show Cas the bathroom where he could shower and get ready for bed. Cas took a quick shower, cold. It was hotter here than in Canada. It made his scarred skin itch. The cool water over his burns felt like heaven. He closed his eyes and could almost feel Sam’s skilled hands on his skin, rubbing in cream to make him feel better.

When he got out of the shower, he looked in the mirror. He took in his scars and the stub of his arm. Sam had seen it all before but he was still afraid to wear anything but high buttoned long sleeve shirts. There was a part of him that thought it was ridiculous. But there was also a part of him that was terrified of rejection. What if Sam had forgotten just how ruined his body was?

There was a knock on the door.

“Hey Castiel.” Sam’s voice came through the door. The sound of it filled Cas’ chest with warmth. “I know its good to keep your skin from getting too dry. Would you like some help with some lotion?”

It was the nurse in Sam that asked. Well… Sam had to see him eventually. Might as well get it over with so he could move on if he was rejected. It would hurt less. He swallowed hard and opened the door to the bathroom. “That would be lovely Sam.”

Sam didn’t flinch or even blink at Cas’ scars. He just smiled warmly as if he were looking at a cute animal. “good.”

“Just let me get out of this towel and into some pants.” Cas moved past him to his room. Sam was respectable. He had seen Cas naked before but didn’t intrude until Cas was decent.

He entered when Cas said it was alright and sat on the bed beside him. “ Your wounds look like they healed well.” Sam said softly. Ooh so gently, he let his fingers slide along the scar tissue. “Does it hurt?”

“some times.”

Sam inspected the ruined stump of Cas’ arm. “this healed beautifully too.” Sam looked so pleased that Cas didn’t have it in him to pull the remainder of his arm away and hide. Sam put some lotion in his hand and worked it into Cas’ skin while it was still cool. The feel of the cool lotion made Cas sigh.

“that feels nice.”

“I thought it would.” Sam replied with a grin. “Did you enjoy dinner?”

“It was most excellent. Thank you.”

When Sam was finished, Cas found himself at a loss for what to say. Sam seemed to feel the same way. It had been so easy to talk before. Now it just felt… off.

“Well I bet you’re tired… I should let you sleep.”

“Okay Sam.” Cas said softly. “Good night.”

Sam got up and went to the door to the room. He turned back to look at Cas once more with a beautiful smile. Such a beautiful smile. “I’m right next door to you so if you need anything, just come find me.”

Cas nodded. “ Thank you Sam.”

Sam hesitated, looking at Cas for just a little longer before leaving

Cas laid down, feeling like he could breathe again. Being around Sam again was both amazing and tiring. He felt like something was expected of him. Something he had to live up to. He fell asleep easily enough.

He woke up once in the night needing to pee. He got up and went to the bathroom. When he came out, a muffled groan caught his attention. He went to stop in Sam’s doorway to see if he was okay.

The moonlight coming in through the window illuminated all the right curves of Sam’s face and body. The curve of his cheek to his jaw. The line of his neck stood out in stark relief against the dark. The smooth planes of his chest moving up and down.

God he was beautiful

Cas’ eyes wandered lower and he saw why there was that moan. Sam had his cock in his hand. He was stroking it, head tossed back. Back arched up as if his body was searching pleasure. His spare hand came up to rub across his pectoral and pinch a nipple. Sam gasped and pumped his hips up into his hand.

Cas felt guilty for watching Sam in this intimate moment but he couldn’t tear his gaze away. He felt drawn taught like a bow string. Like he was stuck in this moment where only Sam existed.

The moment was broken however, shattered like glass when Sam moaned Cas’ name

Castiel.

His name was drawn out like sin on Sam’s lips. He fucked his hand a litter faster. Cas could see the pre-cum glint at the tip and ooh… Ooh he would love to taste it. To bend to press his tongue to the head and see what Sam tasted like.

Sam said Cas’ name again and came with a soft little mewl that shook Cas to his core. He stared a moment as Sam came down, his chest heaving. He turned then, padding quickly to his bedroom. He got into bed as quietly as he could.

He shouldn’t have watched that...


	16. Chapter 16

The next morning, Cas stumbled out of bed and headed to the bathroom. On his way back, he turned to look over his shoulder when he heard a gasp. Dean stood there in the hall having just come up the stairs. He was staring at Cas, hurt evident on his face. Cas cringed, realizing he had forgotten to put a shirt on to cover his bare chest.

“Cas… I’m so sorry-” Dean started

“Don’t Dean… Please don’t.”

“Okay...”

“Keeping you safe was worth it.”

Dean’s eyes looked a little misty and he nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. “Thanks Cas… I’m just.. i’m going to make breakfast. Come down whenever you are ready.”

“Thanks Dean.”

Dean nodded and peeled his eyes off Cas’ body to head down stairs.

Cas hurried to his room and closed the door. He hated that look. The look of pity and hero worship. He was careful as he dressed. His skin hurt this morning. He put the cream on that Sam left behind and pulled on a shirt. He buttoned it up to his throat to hide his scars.

Both of them had seen them now. Still, he couldn’t bear to let them see them more than needed. It was so hot. 9 in the morning and he was already sweating. He wished he could wear a t-shirt or something.

When he got downstairs, Sam was helping Dean cook. The two of them were flitting around the kitchen in what looked like a coordinated dance. He paused to watch them work, smiling fondly. Sam looked up first. “Morning Cas.” he came over to him like a puppy, smiling. It made Cas a little weak in the knees.

He remembered how his name sounded on Sam’s lips as he came…

“Good morning Sam.” He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to press his mouth to Sam’s and melt into his chest. Hesitantly, He stood on tip toe to kiss the corner of Sam’s mouth. It felt strange and mechanical but it filled him with butterflies and warmth.

Sam beamed at him. Fucking sunshine.

“Dean and I are making pancakes.”

“That sounds like a fine breakfast.”

“Coffee?” Sam asked. He scrambled for the pot. To-eager

“Thank you.” Cas sipped at his coffee as sweat trickled down his back.

“I can’t believe you are wearing a long sleeved shirt.” Dean said.

“I am comfortable.” Cas said softly.

“Is it your scars Cas?” Sam asked gently. “Because neither of us are bothered by them.”

But I am.

“I am alright.”

Sam and Dean exchanged looks.

“I was thinking.” Dean started as he flipped a pancake. “We should go swimming at the river today.”

Cas tensed.

“That sounds swell Dean. Its so hot already.” Sam looked at Cas and caught the tense look. “Don’t worry Cas. The part of the river is on the farm land. No one will see us.”

Cas relaxed just a little. Sam smiled.

“Think of how nice the water will feel on your skin.”

Sam was right. It would feel lovely. “I don’t have bathing attire.”

Dean grinned over his shoulder. “We usually just swim naked.”

“oooh...”

“Unless that makes you uncomfortable.” Sam added quickly

“Its alright.”

“Then its settled.” Dean beamed and put a pancake on Cas’ plate.

After lunch they headed through the trees at the back of the farm until they came upon the river. It was old and fat and apparently went over Sam’s head by a couple of feet in the middle. Dean began to shuck his clothes with no shame. Sam followed suit.

Cas on the other hand was slower to undress. He felt unsure of his body. He hated to let his stump show. There was an old tree that hung over the river and Dean swung off of a rope attached to it into the river with a splash. He hooted. “Damn that’s cold.”

Sam waded in, slower than his brother until the water pooled around his shoulders. Cas sucked in a nervous breath and shrugged off his shirt. By the time he joined the boys, they were splashing water at each other playfully, paying no mind to his disfigurement.

When Dean noticed that Cas was with them, he splashed him too and before he knew it, Cas had forgotten how shy he was of his body and was splashing the boys right back. It was fun and lifted a weight off of Cas’ chest he hadn’t realized was there. Of course the boys wouldn’t judge him. They were too pure of heart for that

By the time they were ready to head back, Cas was just floating on his back, enjoying the cool on his skin. Sam stood over him and ran pruned fingers along his jaw line. “We’re heading back Cas.” He murmured. Cas opened his eyes seeing Sam silhouetted by the sun. Cas got up, running his fingers through his hair.

Sam was standing so close. He ran his hand down Cas’ good arm and leaned down for a chaste kiss. Cas pressed up into it, deepening it and winding an arm around Sam’s neck. It felt good. Too good. Like home. But something was… off.

“Knock it out guys!” Dean chastised from the shore. Sam pulled back with an adorable blush and looked over at Dean.

“Sorry...”

“No you’re not.”

They waded back to shore and got dressed. This time Cas didn’t button his shirt right up to his throat.

Later that night after dinner, they sat together on the porch and drank beer, telling stories about their separate times in the war. Cas talked about Cole and Dean of Benny. The air was thick and heavy. Eerily still. The sounds of the crickets and cicada’s were loud in the stillness.

When they went to bed, Cas had only been asleep an hour before thunder rumbled in the distance. He shivered despite the heat and pressed his back against the bedroom wall. He knew it was a storm. Logically he knew that. But as the storm drew nearer and the thunder cracked louder, fear over took him.

His eyes were screwed shut and he was clutching his pillow when the bed dipped. Sam wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. His mouth brushed Cas’ ear and he whispered. “Its ok Cas. I got you. you’re safe.”

In the safety of Sam’s arms, Cas’ trembling stopped and he was able to fall back asleep.


	17. Chapter 17

The days went by in a hazy blur. Cas found himself happy and apprehensive. In the time he spent with the boys, He was getting more and more comfortable about himself but more and more cautious with his feelings. He didn’t know what it was but something was missing. Something felt off. Felt forced. Like he knew he was supposed to love Sam instead of it feeling natural. 

He had been there two weeks. He had stayed up that night and packed up his things as the boys slept. He could hear Dean’s snores drift through the halls. He felt like he needed space. He needed to go back to Canada. He felt like he was drowning here. When his belongings were packed, he went to sleep.

It was early in the morning when Sam knocked on his bedroom door. “Hey Cas… Can I come in?”

“Of course.”

Sam sat gingerly beside Cas on the bed. Cas had been laying in bed, going over and over in his mind how he would leave. Part of him wanted to stay. Part of him wanted to be pulled down in Sam forever. But that small piece of doubt. That self preservation was telling him to leave “Are you alright?” He asked Sam

“I just… I wanted to know how you felt about… Us. About what we have between us.” He eyed the packed bags and stiffened visibly.

“I don’t know...”

Sam nodded. “If you-” He took a deep breath. “If you don’t love me, that's okay.”

“Sam I...” Cas didn’t know what to say. He had deep feelings for Sam. He had never felt this close to anyone else. There was just… that missing something.

“You don’t want me-”

“I want you Sam…” Cas interrupted. “God do I want you but… Something isn’t right… It feels. Like there is something blocking this.” 

“What do you mean blocking? If you want me then take me. I’m right here”

Cas was quiet, his hand on his heart. It ached. It hurt so much he wanted to cry. This was the worst pain he had ever felt. Worse than the pain in his skin. The hurt in his bones. It ravaged his heart worse than War. He didn’t know if he could physically walk away from him. 

There was a hook deep in his chest. It went through his heart and wrapped around his spine. Attached to it was a tether that drew him to Sam. Taking it out was going to be agony.

“Nothing comes close to how much I need you Sam… but it feels like we are trying to hard. It feels like we want this too much. Its not easy like it should be.”

“What are you saying.” Sam choked. 

“I am saying that I think I love you Sam Winchester… and I think I need to go back to Canada.”

“No Cas. Please. We can make this work.”

“I don’t know Sam. This should be effortless. You deserve some one better than me.”

“That’s Bullshit Castiel and you know it.” Sam spat. He crowded into Cas’ space, taking him by the shoulders. “I want YOU. I don’t care about how you think you are broken. You aren’t. You are perfect.” His big hand cradled Cas’ cheek. “Please. Let me show you how perfect I think you are. How much I want to love you.”

“That’s the problem Sam. You want to love me. Which means you don’t yet. You should wait for someone who you DO love”

“That’s not what I meant-”

“I’m sorry Sam we tried.”

“Not hard enough.”

“Love shouldn’t be hard.”

“Everything worthwhile is hard.” Sam debated. 

Cas shook his head. He felt tears weighing heavy in his lashes. He closed his eyes. He couldn’t stand the look on Sam’s face. The tears dislodged and fell down his face. “I have to go.”

He pulled away from Sam then, getting up. He had gone to sleep with clothes on. To make it easier in the morning. He picked up his luggage, stealing a moment to give himself the courage to walk away. He had left his home and come all the way here for Sam. What had Sam done to prove his love? Cas held onto that and forced his legs into walking out of the house and to his car.

“Cas! Castiel Please.” Sam cried out. Cas tried not to hear him as the hook in him ruptured his heart.  
“I’m Sorry Sam.” Cas said and got into his truck.

Tears streamed down his face as he drove away. His heart wasn’t breaking it was being eviscerated. He turned his mind to leaving town and letting himself cry. He tried to keep his eyes on the road and not on Sam chasing the car in the rear view mirror. Right now he just had to leave. Once he was out of town he might have the strength to keep going to Canada.

He was in the middle of town before he knew it. He couldn’t even remember driving there. His mind was on Sam. His broken expression in the rear view mirror. How he chased after Cas’ car. Cas felt like he was choking on the remains of his heart. Like nothing would ever be okay again.

It was when he was at the edge of town when he realized he didn’t know why he was leaving.

He loved Sam. He did. He didn’t know why he was so hung up on this one… whatever this problem was. He just didn’t feel like his love was enough. He didn’t feel good enough for Sam. He was just so broken. Too scarred. He was so ugly where Sam was… Sam was perfect

That was when he saw him

There was a man following him on a motorcycle. When the man got close enough he saw that it was Sam. He sped past Cas and pulled his bike in front of Cas’ Car. He braked, causing the bike to turn sideways on the road. Cas slammed on the breaks, praying to stop in time. 

He didn’t hit him. He was several feet from him. He got out of the car. “Are you Crazy!?”

“Maybe.” Sam replied. “I just can’t Cas. I can’t let you go again.”

“Get off the road.” Cas demanded.

“I want to hear it. Tell me that you don’t love me and I will get out of the way.”

“Tell you what?” Cas asked

“Tell me you don’t love me.” Sam demanded. “Because I love you. I am here because I can’t see a future for me if you aren’t in it. If you don’t love me then I won’t ask you to stay. But if you do… then I’m going to have to beg you not to leave me. So Say it Cas… Tell me you don’t love me.”

“I don’t lo-”

He couldn’t form the words. He just couldn’t. They got caught in his throat, stopped by the love he felt for Sam. He shook his head. It dawned on him that he was the problem. There were no oceans between them. He was afraid to let Sam in in case he left again. He was afraid to let himself be vulnerable. He was a ruined man on the outside and so he was too much a coward to let Sam in.

“I love you.” He murmured.

“What?” Sam asked

“I love you Sam Winchester.” Sam said louder.

Sam was at Cas’ side in a few long strides. He took Cas’ face in his hands and kissed him deeply. “Then be mine, Please Cas. Come back home with me.”

“Are you sure Sam...”

“I have never been more sure of something.” Sam said. “I want you. Please. Please Castiel.”

Cas closed his eyes and tipped his forehead against Sam’s. “Okay.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank everyone who was with me since the beginning of this. It took forever but here it is, Finally finished.
> 
> I especially want to thank Outoftheashes because without you, this would never have been finished. You were my cheer leader and helped me keep my head up. I want to dedicate this story to you because you always help me keep fighting. :)

Cas' breath came in unsteady puffs. He let his fingers slide over the skin under him, fingertips coming up to rest on Sam's sternum. He wanted to touch all of him. He wanted to make him feel all of the star-bursting feelings he was feeling. He rolled his hips, sliding his ass back so that Sam's illegally large cock could slip up between his ass cheeks. The movement had Sam's large form shuddering under him

It hadn’t started so hot and heavy. Cas had followed Sam home and brought his things back upstairs. He ignored the look on Sam’s face in the driveway. The one that made him look like he was ready to steal Cas’ car keys.

Cas put his bags on his bed and started to unpack his clothes, placing them folded on the bed. He felt mechanical. Part of him couldn’t believe he was back here. The other part was just so grateful that Sam came after him. He could barely bring himself to acknowledge what he almost threw away.

He tried on the drive home as he watched Sam ride his bike ahead of him. Think about the beautiful man who loved him. Sam’s words hung around his head like a halo. “Everything worth while is hard.” Cas had gone to war for fucksakes. 

He had launched himself out of an airplane with nothing but a parachute and faith between him and the ground. He had run through mud and trenches in the dark behind enemy lines and survived. He pulled his best friend out of burning wreckage. If he was strong enough to do those things, He was damn well strong enough to give in and let himself love Sam with everything he had.

Strong arms wrapped around him from behind. Sam had come up behind him and broke his reverie. Cas stopped his unpacking as Sam’s hands pressed against his chest. Roaming over his belly and sternum and pectorals. He could feel Sam’s stubble covered cheek rasp against his neck. He could feel his mouth against his ear. Sam touched him as if he were memorizing him. As if he wanted to keep him forever, despite how broken he was.

He turned then to lean up on tip toe and kiss Sam’s open mouth. Sam moaned against him softly, bringing his hands up to cup Cas’ face. It was sweet and sensual and it lit Cas’ body up in the sweetest burn he had ever felt.

They kissed and before Cas knew it they were naked and pressing up against each other. He couldn’t remember how they ended up on the bed. But there they were, naked and aching for each other.

Sam reached up, his large kind hand curling around Cas' skull. His fingers tips dipped possessively into the space where it connected to Cas's neck. They stayed there, pressed up against the curls of Cas' too-long hair. It made Cas' breath hitch. Sam's other hand came down to press Cas' erection against Sam's stomach. Cas gasped, head falling back into the hand cradling him.

There was so much pain. So much. It thrummed along his skin like a hot wire. A constant current that drew Cas tight. But he felt himself unravel here for Sam. He could feel the tension melting under his skilled hands. Pleasure was budding under the pain and Cas grasped at it like it was the last precious thing he owned.

“Do you feel ready?”

Cas nodded. “Yes.” He breathed.

Sam had carefully explained what would happen in whispers as their kisses built to this moment. The ever cautious and technical nurse. The hand on Cas' cock left and reached for a jar of Vaseline. Ointments and creams. It was a constant for Cas but this time he knew it was for something much sweeter. Sam pulled Cas a little further up his body and drew his slick fingers along Cas' hole.

It was strange. Cool and wet where he would normally want to keep dry. He trusted Sam though and wanted this. Sam's large finger circled the entrance to Cas' body before slipping in, eliciting a surprised yelp from Cas. “Shh shh I got you.” Sam soothed

you got me

You always got me. 

It was the only thing that Cas could ever count on and that was Sam having him safe. Sam had stayed still a while and gradually the sting of the intrusion gave way to a different feeling all together. It was… strange. Cas felt ambivalent to it. But then Sam's finger was moving and-

“O-ooh”

“Do you like that?” Sam asked earnestly.

“I… I'm not sure.”

“I'm going to add another finger.” 

The second slid in and Cas had to fight that sting again. But even the sting was starting to feel good. The stretch was good. He felt full. This time Sam didn't have to move his fingers, Cas rocked his hips back onto them with a soft moan.

“That's it Cas. You are doing great."

Sam's belly was slick with Cas' pre-cum. He didn't seem to mind. He just kept staring up at Cas reverently. It made Cas squirm.

Soon there was a third finger and a fourth. It had Cas trembling with pleasure and then Sam’s fingers were gone. A thin whine sounded from Cas’ throat before he could stop it. Sam’s hand came up to rest on Cas’ hips. “are you sure you want this?”

“Yes.” Cas breathed. “I want this… I want you.”

Sam’s hand was at the nape of Cas’ neck again, pulling him down for a sweet passionate kiss. And then there was pressure against Cas’ hole. Sam was lining up his cock and pressing it up into him. Wanting to prove how much he wanted this, Cas pushed back, taking more of him. 

Sam’s breath hitched and he held Cas so tight. His hand was possessive on Cas’ neck and God did he love that feeling. The feeling of Sam’s hands on him, owning him.

Sam rocked his hips up and finally they were fully seated with one another. Sam moved to thrust but Cas put his hand on Sam’s chest to still him. “ Give me a moment.” He gasped. He was still getting used to the foreign feeling of being filled. He felt so full. So stuffed and he could feel Sam’s cock throb inside of him. Sam was inside him. For a moment it was just so overwhelming. He braced himself against Sam’s chest, drew his stubbed arm along Sam’s.

It took a moment for the anxiety to ebb. He told his lover that he was ready by rolling his hips with a moan. Right there. That little spot inside him… When he rolled his hips again he saw sparks.

It didn’t take long for either of them to come. Sam clutched Cas tight and rode his orgasm out with soft choked moan. Cas was louder, his head tipping back into Sam’s ever present hand and letting a little wail. They lay together then, panting and staring at each-other wide-eyed as if they couldn’t believe what they had just done.

Sam moved to pull out but Cas chased him. He didn’t want to loose the fullness just yet. He leaned down to lay his head on Sam’s chest. 

“I got you Cas.”

“I know… you always do.” Tears brimmed in Cas’ eyes. He had been a damn fool leaving like he did. “I’m really glad you came for me Sam… Thank you for not giving up on me.”

“I love you.” Sam said as if that explained everything. And it really did. Cas had gone to war to fight for people he didn’t even know. He did it to do the right thing.

Now the war was over and the only thing he had left to fight for was Sam. For Sam he would fight, not because he felt obligated, but because he wanted to. He would never stop fighting for Sam.

“I love you too, Sam.”


End file.
